Captivated

happy happy joy joy

2006-12-10T10:17:00.000+09:00

hello
i have not written for a very long time.
woops
hehe
i am on holidays now, on the uni break. except i am taking an extended break from uni - for a year in fact. i have enrolled for bible college at my church and altho i am so so nervous about it i am also very excited :-)
working a bit now. will be working alot after next week. show me the moola baby!!!
i am with my hot robbie now. we have been going out now for 3 months, 1 week and 3 days. haha. sorry i dont know how many hours. he is so wonderful and i have never ever been so happy in my entire life.
that is all
:-)

so....so happy

2006-09-03T22:27:00.000+08:00

its been waayyy too long since i have updated my blog, very naughty.
alot has happened since i last blogged and i dont even know where to begin. what shocks me is ive spent the last month or so thinking "but i have nothing to write about"...who was i kidding?!

well hillsong was amazing but i dare not go down that path of discussion again
my time in qld with my family was the best! i had alot of fun, alot of laughs, good times, but sadly broke my arm on the 2nd last day of my holiday. i fell off a horse..why is it so many ppl say "gee carrie, trust u to do that"....i mean HELLO i was a cowgirl at my 21st - im not sposed to fall off!!

anyway almost 6 weeks later and the healing process continues. tmrw i am visiting the specialist to get an update on my progress. last update was that the healing wasnt going as fast as it should have been, so this time around i am believing for a much beta report. ive started to notice that my right arm is getting thinner than the other due to lack of muscle movement and therefore lack of muscle presence in general!

uni has been going well despite the injury and i havent let it deter my studies. so im proud of myself. im actually really enjoying uni this semester which is great.

the only other major thing, and ive saved the best til last, is that i have now got a boyfriend. it seems weird even typing that and im still coming to terms with it myself. its still a fresh thing, we only started officially dating since thursday. so im still adjusting to it all. but really loving the whole experience. his name is rob and hes such an amazing guy. ive NEVER been treated this amazingly in my whole life. we have been hanging out a bit, getting to know each other better and really enjoying each others company. we were at coco's on thurs for dinner, which was devine, then he took me to the c restaurant for coffee and asked me there, if i wanted to make things official and be his gf. it was so lovely and special and exciting. for the first 24 hours i struggled to adjust to the fact that i now have a bf. and there are no words to describe the things that were going thru my head. but the time we've spent together recently, at a friends birthday last night and with his family today for fathers day, just realy hit home how amazing Robbie is and how truly blessed i am to have him in my life.

yeh, i just dont know what to say except that i am so blessed and so so happy.

in the spirit of re-focusing

2006-07-18T11:29:00.000+08:00

in the spirit of re-focusing on what is important i thought i would write a short post on the WAS and AM of my life.

I WAS....
damaged
heart broken
dishonest
selfish

i was involved in an unhealthy circle of drinking and bad relationships.
i was fooling myself into thinking that it would not effect me
i was fooling myself in that i thought i was doing what i wanted to do.

BUT THEN.
god intervened in a way i could not ignore. things happen to us, wake up calls. things that catch our attention for no particular reason except that life sucks and you need a way out and even if you dont want to admit it, the life you have is not what you want, no matter how much you pretend you want it.

i sort love in wrong places, i did stupid things in order to make myself feel beautiful, loved and desired.

I AM
happy with who i am
healed inside and out
made whole again.
honest
loved

i am enjoying the life god intended
i am healed from all the physical but more importantly emotional damage that i inflicted on myself and received thru bad relationships
i am enjoying healthy, rewarding relationships
i am more happy than i have ever been in my entire life
i am enjoying my personal, rewarding, uplifting relationhip with God.

To any one who reads this, my life was messed up. i performed and pretended so people could not see the mess i was really in, but god sees everything, he knows your heart but more importantly he knows your potential. i pray that god brings you into an amazing new life where you reach the potential he has for you...because its beyond anything you could ever imagine.

my god reigns

hillsong

2006-07-09T11:02:00.000+08:00

wow what a week!
i just attended my first hillsong conference and now i never want to miss a year. it was just so so amazing. seriosly there are no words. "mind blowing" is a word ive commonly used to describe how i have felt at the end of each day. and that didnt even come close to expressing how i felt.
each day was amazing. alot of ppl preached out of exodus in reference to leadership - i think ill have to have a read of that book in light of leadership hey. very interesting.
i visited 'jam' which is the youth hillsong conference. man that was AMAZING! 4000-5000 youth praising god and getting convicted. they didnt even trash the joint, i was impressed!
israeal houghton was there. what an amazing worship team he has. and it was so exciting to be able to sing along to such amazing music without having to follow the words...hehe just scream the words out and boogie around. the new hillsong live album is gonna be amazing. we sung 'dance dance dance' alot and to anyone reading this you NEED to buy that cd cos that song gets you dancing, you cant help it! not that dancing like a fool has ever been an issue for me :p but dancing around - carefree just to worship god and to let every movement of your body be a glorification for god - its so liberating and fills you with this joy that ive never experienced b4.

all the speakers were truly amazing. reinhard bonnke was so goood!! and seeing the short clip of his campaigns in africa gob-smacked me! all you could was ppl. everywhere. its amazing the way he reaches the millions. he told a story of how he received a threat from osama bin laden!!! crazy! not just any threat either - a death threat!! you know your doing something right when osama bin laden wants you dead. hhehe. good thing us god wants him alive so much more so the devil hasnt got a chance. *na na nana na*

we also had delirious there. the little concert they put on for us was amazing and the lead singer was so amazed at the crowd - how could you not be amazed at the scene of 30 000 ppl all worshiping god in unity, its enough to take your breathe away thats for sure. and its a sight i NEVER got sick of!

altho the whole conference was amazing, the final session was THE BEST!!!!! the 7:45pm session on friday night was a praise party and annointing service. my ticket was behind the stage - as usual. so as usual i stood in line for a better seat with jon. then when we got seated, i got a call from sam sheedy, saying come down - we have seats saved for you (PRETTY MUCH AT THE FRONT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so we bolted down and got such amazing seats! the praise and worship started off as usual and then we watched a dvd of 'hillsong memories' showing 20 yrs of hillsong - what a crack up!!! some VERY bad hair styles and outfit selections!
then we had hillsong 'top ten' where we sung a mix of the top ten most impacting hillsong songs over the last 20 years - that was so so cool! and wow all the lights and sound and media was done to COMPLETE excellence!! on the roof at the back of the dome on the last night they projectected "GLORY TO GOD" wow it looked so amazing. oh and i forgot to say they had these dancers at the start, that was cool (but our sunset dancers are better sorry. hahaha) and yeh, then we had the annointing part of the service where EVERYONE in the entire dome - thats like 30 000 ppl got annointed with oil. i got annointed twice. HAHA but i wasnt gonna say anything! the worship played in this was so touching and my tears flowed like a river - goodbye mascara. some ppl just got a dot of oil on the forehead and that was it, but i got blessed, the annointing peeps that i got prayed as well. gee its mindblowing when a stranger speaks stuff into ur life thats SO SO spot on. and THEN to have words in the worship line up perfectly with the things that god is telling you. god shared things with me that made me cry cos i dont want to do them. hha. what a spoilt brat. BUT GOD I DONT WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but its been great how gods had grace on me and let me grow more happy and accepting with it all.

THEN we had the praise party! and since god knows my hearts desires - i wound up in the mosh pit! THATS RIGHT! I WAS IN A HILLSONG MOSH PIT! aawwww yeah!!!! it was amazing. ive never sweated so much. haha. but it was so great to jump and dance and just offer every last peice of energy i had as a sacrifice of praise to god. its so....urrggh no words. liberating, freeing, uplifting. it was AWESOME. and i cried a little as my younger brother jon - who spent the whole conference hardly muttering a word of praise, or raising his hands to god - mosh, dance, sing and praise god. oh my heart was just beating so fast. it blessed me so much to see him get into praising god. i wanna cry just writing about it. i had prayed and prayed that god would touch him at the conference, i know that he really did.

anyway. i could write on and on and on. but i wanna finish on that high note. im now in brisbane staying with my brother ben, his wife linda and their son joseph. hes so cute. he's 21 months and so so so so cute. im loving spending time with them. so i beta get back to it!

what a night

2006-06-23T12:51:00.000+08:00

oh what a night.
last night was the mercy ministries ball. and i went with a guy from church - rob.
i dont even know where to start. i had such an amazing night and it still doesnt feel real.
i got treated like a princess. like i was worth millions. and i didnt know how to react.
i had a headache afterwards, which im pretty sure was from smiling all night. rob looked real spunky in his cream suit and funky tie (is that how u spell tie?)
he borrowed his cousins WRX and it sounded totally sweet - and im not even that into cars!
i dont even know wot to write.
i just had a brilliant night and im still pinching myself.
i knew how i deserved to be treated
but last night god showed me.
all in all it was such a wonderful night and rob prolly thinks im an idiot cos i spent half the night stunned. haha.

after the ball i went home and got changed into my pj's and an aussie flag then went to my friend hwins house to watch the socceroos in the cup. wow wot a stressful game. those umps SUCK. but yes the beta, more sportsman-like, betta looking team made it thru to the next round. lets face it, aussies are HOT.
haha

me yesterday

2006-06-20T23:16:00.000+08:00

Today i got my hair done! i love it! so im glad i have some BEFORE AND AFTER SHOTS! :p

me today!

2006-06-20T23:15:00.000+08:00

2006-06-19T15:14:00.000+08:00

a new season

2006-06-19T14:59:00.000+08:00

our land lords are selling our house. i was so sad wen i found out. i love my ocean views. in summer they are so so amazing. in winter they are kind of dull. but not always (atm it is really windy and the ocean looks horrible)
and so the house hunting began
only to come to an ugly halt after re-doing my budget and having a cry wen i realised just how much money i DONT have to put towards rent, let alone the bond too.
but, as always, all has worked out. i am moving in with the borretts for a while. and i move out next week. somehow i have gone from 'not wanting to go' to, 'i cant wait to leave'.
but im gonna have to leave behind zac and abby :-( THE LOVES OF MY LIFE!
oh well, they will still have each other and can make out til the day the music dies.

feeling excited

2006-06-14T22:12:00.000+08:00

wow. life is so so good.
its amazing how you can hit rock bottom then god brings things along that make you soar higher than you thought was possible, and somehow those troubles seem so far away - yet only if you let him.
i cant believe that in less than a month, i will be with my family, chillin in cairns.
i cant believe in less than a month i will have attended my first hillsong conference - at no expense of my own.
does god never give up?
im beginning to think he really does work 24/7 on finding ways to bless and uplift me.
everything is just so, so great. all i need now is to find $500 to get stuff done to my car and im laughin!...hear that god? lol

im also feeling so blessed to have the opportunity to speak into ppl's lives. tonight i was at club 180 and i was teaching a lesson on 'making a change'. wow - wot an interesting lesson for me to teach! haha. my life has just changed so so much. and it was so great to be able to genuinly share with beautiful young women about how god can bring about a change in u if u just trust, yield and let him take control. its funny, im teaching, yet im learning heaps too!

anyway im just feeling so happy. i can not wait til the mercy ball next week. i was talking to rob after club 180 tonight about what he's gonna wear and just about the ball in general and im just bubbling inside about it.

oh its so good to feel this way, so excited about life and about serving god and helping others. its just such a blessing and im so excited that god is working so hard in and on me
aahhhh

caz - the butt KICKER!

2006-06-03T23:12:00.000+08:00

ok, ill admit, that is a somewhat cocky name for a post but tonight i am feeling good
lately i have really struggled at work. i have hated selling, the customers have been doing my head in and dont even get me started on my bosses.
after last saturday i was determined to quit jeans west and pursue something else cos i simply hated it!
however i had decided to give it another month, and if things were still bad in murray st, ask for a transfer and THEN if things were still bad THEN i would quit. i figured this was a much safer root - plus i do enjoy clothes at 40% off, even if i can rarely afford them.

anyway this morning i woke up in a great mood and during my quiet time i asked god to give me a fresh attitude towards work and to give me favour with my boss and with customers and that i cud just have FUN at work again!

and wow - i had an awesome day!
i started at 11 and by 1pm i had already done my target for the whole day!!! i cud not believe it! i hada top gun sale and my sales figures were awesome - in fact the best in the whole store and despite starting later i still did more dollars than anyone else in the whole store!
and it was nothing to do with me. it was all god. there is no way i cud have felt as happy as i did without god and i even enjoyed my own company. hahaha. i hardly spoke to anyone else working, i kept to myself, got the job done and had fun doing it.

anyway. im just happy. god is such a miracle worker and he can do even the small, seemingly unimportant things!

a letter of love

2006-05-31T23:33:00.000+08:00

lately gods had it on my heart to encourage my little sister shani. and today i remembered this letter that she gave me wen i left china to come back to perth in 2005.

Heya Carrie
Well what do i say? ive really had a great time while you've been here. And hope you did too! youll have to come sometime in the summer next time! cos t heres so much more to do! well the time sure did fly by. your out right now...teaching your last class. hope it was a good one. i was talking to lacey today and she was saying how she hasnt got a big sister and how lucky i am to have one. especially one like you. and she is sooo right. Although your strange at times your everything a little sister needs. and you've effected everybody youve met here in such a HUGE way! im realy gonna miss u! your such a little ray of sunshine ya know? anyways, hope you liked the dress and you have a good birthday okey? and i hope everything works out with university, your car and jeans west.make sure you write heaps!!! and send my love to everyone in Australia! have a good flight! seeya soon! and have a good time!
love always, shani.

its so crazy reading that. it breaks my heart yet makes me smile at the same time. i love shani and miss her so much.
SHANI-BANI I LOVE U! ...and im sorry that i called u 'nike poo' and 'naked monkey girl'...hehe.

i cant think of a title

2006-05-29T23:30:00.000+08:00

hm it sure has been a long time since ive posted on here. or at least it feels like it
life sure is busy. it seems the lists are never ending of all the stuff that needs doing - yet i still end up here, on my computer, starting at the screen blankly - or eagerly if im distracting myself with ebay.
its week 11 at uni for me and on wed my last assignment is due for the semester so i am excited about that being over with. handing in my 2nd last one tmrw, i just finished it then - hope its good enough!
i am so so looking fwd to the break. i am so over uni right now. and i dont like feeling this way.i have been really disorganised these last few months so i have started back using a diary again and already i feel beta, cos ive sat down and looked at wot i must do and been able to see how much time i can actually spare if im wise with the time that i use.
i spoke to my family on msn tonight though and that was nice. i knew it was my dad when he said "hello treasure" - only my dad calls me that :-) my mum calls me goldy or sweeties. hehe.
no one seems to have heard from any of my older brothers in months, and so concern is growing. i am sure they are ok. but yeh - looks like none of them called mum for mothers day then which wasnt very nice. man i even called my brothers wives for mothers day yet my brothers cudnt even call mum? pretty sad. anyway, i hope they get their acts into gear. today was one of their birthdays. but i thought it was tmrw,so i will give him a call - or try. will probably just leave a msg like usual. "hi its carrie, ur sister, remember me?" lol

life is so full of ups and downs and u never know wots going to come next. the only constant - ive discovered is that god is always there. whether i choose to notice him is up to me. i tell u, if god was human he'd suffer badly from rejection and low self esteem cos he can be taken for granted sometimesi think. but i am working on fixing that each day :-)
im just blah blahing here. i think i need to just blah for a while. its nice to just sit here and spill.

today my flat mate kristy came home with a boost bar for me (MY FAVE CHOC BAR!) and a note that said "to my carrie, i just wanted to BOOST you on for god, he is amazing, live in his word buddy. love ya, kristy" HOW LOVELY! and i enjoyed it so much cos ive been trying not to eat them as much, so it was a real treat!

another nice thing that has happened is that im going to the mercy ball! yay! i really wanted to go but cudnt afford it, but now someone is taking me and im really excited. i think it will be a really fun night! anna and ruthie will be there and reeze too. shud be alot of laughs! ...but now wot to wear? hehe. oh the dilemnas in life.

you know ur blessed wen the biggest stress of ur day is discovering ur ball dress doesnt fit anymore
haha
praise god that i have enough food to make me bigger
hahaha

learning new things

2006-05-12T23:21:00.000+08:00

"Leadership Challenge"
i have been given these lately by my leader....little tasks to complete with my girls in order to grow and challenge me and help me to see wot my true potential is
but, it seems a genuine, gut wrenching, heart aching "leadership challenge" was on my doorstep this week.
it was real
it twisted my insides
it made me cry
it hurt me
but - i pulled thru
and god is good. he heals and he stretches and grows us. and helps us to see how "the end of the world" is actually just a little life lesson.
hopefully these 'lessons' wont turn into weekly tutorials!!!
aaahh!!
:p

some ppl

2006-05-11T21:03:00.000+08:00

some people are interesting
today somebody was telling me about an incident that had occured recently which made them cry, because they felt like an orphan when ppl blessed them with money or food as they are living out of home and are a student (this generally makes a person POOR!)
how it made her feel like an orphan ill never know
yet i was kind of shocked to hear this person saying all of this...in front of two people who only get to see their family a few times a year-if at all.
it costs her $10 to go and visit her parents
it wud cost me over $1000
im not trying to turn this all back to me and say "well excuse me! im more orphan-ated than u!!"
it just annoyed me a little i guess. plus i really miss my family atm.
some people do not consider their audience before they open their mouths

cant wait to be a teacher

2006-04-08T20:57:00.000+08:00

well end of week one and im LOVING prac!!
totally not what i expected
which is great though. its awesome. im doing yr 6/7 and at first i found them really naughty but now i have learnt how to handle them and i just love teaching them.
teaching is awesome. its alot of work, ur underpaid by about 300% for all the work and care that is required but its so rewarding scaffolding those kids learning and being a part of their lives

I CANT WAIT TO BE A TEACHER!

wot a PRIVELEDGE (spelling? :p)

prac worries

2006-04-02T23:16:00.000+08:00

tomorrow is prac
last year i could not wait to go on prac
this yr im not so pumped
i was, but not anymore
unfortunately when i went to my prac school to visit my mentor teacher it was not a positive experience.
i guess from here i need to forget that, and pray that she was just having a bad day. and IF she is that negative all the time, all i can do is hope to be an inspiration to her. cos teaching is what i want to do, it's my destiny. and no i am not switching degree's! and YES i do know wot im getting myself into cos teaching something u do ffor love NOT MONEY

hopefully i will have wonderfufl things to say about prac soon :-)

dreams

2006-03-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

hmm the other night i was doing a study with some girls from church on dreams
not like, la la dreams. but dreams that we have for our lives.
as we sat there discussing our dreams with one another i felt kind of sad as i realised i didnt have many. mine were : i wanna finish uni and i wanna go on the mission field again...one day....eventually.
everyone else had HEAPS of dreams. gosh i felt kinda silly like i had none and that i wasnt thinking enough about my purpose and about things that i need to be doing with my life until i can reach those other goals and achieve those dreams.
so i got home and was like "um god. hello i want some dreams" and he said "hello ive given them to u, how could u forget?!"
wot is going on with me when i forget that i REALLY want to help girls realise that they dont need to sleep with guys to feel fulfilled. that being 'loved' by a guy is not what they really need to feel complete..that they are not a half that needs to find another half to feel whole. i want girls to see themselves as a whole that needs to be pursued and valued.
i dont ever want to let go of this dream again. its so so important.

...i also hope to get married, have children, become an awesome teacher and own a house by the sea :p

feeling good again

2006-03-09T23:17:00.000+08:00

i went out last night and when i got home, naomi said that i looked really pretty. it felt like a really long time since id heard anyone say that to me. i went upstairs and looked in the mirror, and finally im feeling good again. my skin is getting beta and im feeling more like me! im happy to be me again. so in celebration here are some self-loving pics of me. haha. strange i know, but they made me feel good about myself again, just wot the dr ordered.

meh

2006-02-27T22:21:00.000+08:00

self esteem....
its such a horrible thing. i dont believe its ever constant. or at least not if ur female
it just has such an impact on u, especially wen its low
u want to hide, behind anything. u cant be yourself cos u feel self conscious.
its horrible
i hate feeling low about myself

im not left behind

2006-02-23T21:25:00.000+08:00

its hard to explain how it used to feel when tyrone would tell me he'd met someone.
id feel jealous, first and foremost.
id feel like exploding - mostly with tears but sometimes with rage.
all i wanted to do was convince him that she was wrong for him and in the process show him the light that i was the right one - the only one for him.
how sad.
sad that i was so rediculous
sad that, that was me, being his 'best' friend.
but our friendship was far from healthy.
and altho we joke and laugh about it today, it really was the MOST unhealthy relationship/friendship i have ever had. it damaged me in so many ways
yet now it also defines me....strange that isnt it? but in ways im not sure i can even explain.

well things have changed now. our friendship is back to normal and no more in a stage of 'code red'. we are normal! we talk about normal things and share life and dont cross the line. i now have healthy friendships with ppl of the same and the opposite sex.
tyrone and i really will always be mates. but i guess every friendship has its seasons. and right now i just love the season we r in!

recently he met this girl. she sounds wonderful. and hearing him talk about her is just so....beautiful. he adores her it seems and i can tell he really cares about her and sincerely respects her. it excites me that a guy who only cared about 'picking up' can completely turn around and change his ways for a woman that captivates him. it reminds me how much it will be worth the wait! and FINALLY..... im not jealous at all.
wot a great feeling!

but i recently encountered a new feeling....heartache. i got a late sms from ty the other night basically saying that things were over between him and this new girl. it was kind of vague but i cud see he was trying to be tough. it broke my heart. my heart ached for him becos he had been hurt and that hurt me too. it was so weird, i realised as i almost cried for him, that id never done this before. with every other girl i was happy it was over cos i didnt want him to be with thsoe girls. even tho i pretended to be sad for him, inside i was so relieved. but wow, things have changed. i was really concerned ffor him and was feeling down that things hadnt worked out.

to make a long long story short, ty and his lady are all good now.
i dont really even know if ive made my point yet. im not even sure wot my point is. all i know is it feels so good to finally be happy for tyrone and be excited about his new life and the wonderful ppl he is meeting...without feeling jealous or left behind.

Living for God

2006-02-02T11:03:00.000+08:00

1 Peter 4:

this scripture really touched me this morning.

1 Peter 4: 1-7

1
So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you are willing to suffer for Christ, you have decided to stop sinning.
2
And you won't spend the rest of your life chasing after evil desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God.
3
You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy--their immorality and lust, their feasting and drunkenness and wild parties, and their terrible worship of idols.
4
Of course, your former friends are very surprised when you no longer join them in the wicked things they do, and they say evil things about you.
5
But just remember that they will have to face God, who will judge everyone, both the living and the dead.
6
That is why the Good News was preached even to those who have died--so that although their bodies were punished with death, they could still live in the spirit as God does.
7
The end of the world is coming soon. Therefore, be earnest and disciplined in your prayers.

my birthday

2006-01-30T22:24:00.000+08:00

well its happened.
i am 21.
it feels cool.
i quite like it actually! the only REALLY scary thing is that next year ill be 22! i dont think that even sounds cool. i cant make it sound cool or pretend it does. all it means is that i shud be alot more mature i think! but hey at least i know how to have fun right?

well my party was last wednesday..theme: dress as wot u wanted to be wen u grew up.
and wow. ppl really responded well and put in a top effort! i was so happy! i spent the WHOLE day cleaning up the house and getting things ready/ by the time 7:30 came around and ppl started rocking up i was pretty much ready for bed!! the first 2 hours were pretty stressful and i didnt have a good time at all. i was too busy trying to make sure everyone was going good and having fun. eventually i was like "err stuff everyone else im gonna have fun" and eventually i did....and in the end i had a great time! had lots of fun dancing my little booty off! and from wot i hear, ALOT of ppl had fun...even after the cops came and shut us down. haha. stupid neighbours. we had the ambulance come too! but thats a different story!

i got spoilt absolutely rotten and i wont even begin to mention who got me wot cos then ill forget someone and feel bad.

i got ruthie to give a speech and it was beauitful. alot of ppl said it was great. she gave me a copy of it, so im going to put it on here!...

i think it was about 2 n a half years ago that i met Carrie. i remember Rose brought her and introduced me to her, and she was sitting on the bottom of the steps in the ECU sports centre, next to where the ushers had their table. she always sat there, it was like carries spot.

About 2 years ago Carrie was put in my culture group and over those 2 years ive seen carrie grow and change and then go back and then change some more. before carrie went to china in 2004 she was getting more involved in church but as most of us have experienced, she still had the pull of fher other friends and life.

since she's been back life has continuously changed for carrie, with getting into teaching at uni, getting her license and a car and moving in here with naomi and kristy. but these last 6 months or so have just blown my mind, and im sure its obvious to all who know her and even those you dont but have observed it. the girl you know today, the carrie turning 21 is a new creation.

Carrie has gone from beind a girl i know to a being a girl in my culture group to being one of my best friends. we used to have such different views and opinions, but now, because of our same focus, we see life much the same and its drawn us together.

My mum adopted Anna and Carrie is next on her list. she had christmas with us and has really become such a wonderful part of four family. when something happens in life, whether good or bad, i just want to share it with her. i remember at uni last year as soon as i got my grades for something i would msg my results. i did because i know she cares about the little things as much as the big things. her replies were always cheeky and over dramatically encouraging, it always made me laugh.

Carrie i know you miss your family, but i thank them for letting you fulfill what you need to do in getting your education. i also thank them for you living here because now i get to have you in my life and in my family.

you are funny, encouraging, patient, loyal, committed, pretty, giving, hospitable, smart and so many other things. im so honoured to be asked t o give this speech for your 21st birthday because its an excuse for me to tell everyone how wonderful you are, even though im constantly telling people that anyway!

i love you so much i as im sure everyone else here and those not here, wish you an incredible 21st birthday, and all the best for the future which is deffinately very bright!

AWWWW WOT A LOVELY THING TO SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOODNESS I AM SO BLESSED!!!!!

2006-01-30T22:18:00.000+08:00

wellll.....
i have so much to say im justgonna do about 100 different posts. cos i just know that if i do one big long one i will lose it and then have a hissy fit and do none at all...
so...POST ONE...
OH MY GOODNESS I AM SO BLESSED!!!!!

my 21st bday present from my parents...
i felt nervous emailing my parents about getting a digital camera for my bday. it came to $400 for the camera and the card, which was a good price but i was like "man thats a lot of money!" but they said it was no probs and transferred the money straight away!
i was so blown away i was getting that.
then in an email from my dad he mentioned that there was something else coming in the mail. i assumed it was just like my fave little sockets taht i like from china....

nope!

when it all arrived there was 2 letters. i opened the first one and played around with these beautiful red coasters they had sent...wen i FINALLY got to reading the card (hellooo carrie ur supposed to read the card FIRST! RUDE!!!) the card said
"Happy 21st Birthday Carrie....your car is YOURS NOW......you are DEBT FREE!"
ooooooohhhh my golly goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my parents gave me the rest of my car! no more repayments! the car is mine!

i could not believe it!
TOTALLY NOT WOT I WAS EXPECTING! totally blown away
praise god he gave me a car!....OH! and a digi cam! hehehehe

my daddy loves me

2006-01-20T00:19:00.000+08:00

ok so i knew my daddy loved me
but sometimes he is just strange and says and does things that make me so mad at him.
but today i got an email from my mum that made me want to cry....

Hi Sweeties, Dad wrote you earlier today mentioning if you had time to ring today because he won't be here tomorrow, has to leave for Dalian early in the morning. The call cards I have, I haven't been able to get them to work yet.
Dad was quite emotional(cried) after your email we got today, he was remembering good times and not being able to be with you for your special birthday, overtook him a bit. I am happy you like your surprise, (FOR THOSE OF U WHO DONT KNOW MY PARENTS WIPED TO MY DEBT TO THEM FOR MY CAR!) we thought, it would take that amount of money for us to travel and see you, so better for you to be out of debt, I don't like anyone being in debt. I hope you can stay out of debt Carrie. I mentioned to Dad, we should send you a practice video of us for your birthday tomorrow, and he said oh no, he would just cry, I said we can do
all things, so yeah hopefully we can do that and then send one for when you have your party.
That was nice of Ben and Ling to send you some perfume, thats lovely, they're thoughtful aren't they. I hope to hear from them soon.
Dad was so happy Grandma sent your photos to you. He always wanted to put something together with your photos for your 21st, he's talked of it for years hey. At least if you do it, you can use the ones you want. Grandma rang me this morning and said she sent them yesterday, so you should have them by tomorrow.

HEHE. MY DADDY LOVES ME!

my current fave song

2006-01-14T16:51:00.000+08:00

All i need is you... words and music by marty sampson....off of HILLSONG UNITED "look to you" cd

left my fear by the side of the road
hear you speak, wont let go
fall to my knees as i lift my hands to pray
go every reason to be here again
fathers love that draws me in
and all my eyes wanna see is glimpse of you

all i need is you
all i need is you lord
is you lord

one more day and its not the same
your spirit calls my heart to sing
drawn to the voice of my saviour once again
where would my soul be without your son
gave his love to save the earth
rest in the thought that you're watching over me..

all i need is you
all i need is you lord
is you lord
all i need is you
all i need is you

you hold the universe
you hold everyone on earth
you hol the universe
you hold...
you hold..

poor Jye

2005-12-27T21:59:00.000+08:00

today i was catching the train home from the city. when im on the train i like to watch and listen to other ppl and imagine wot it wud be like to be them - or be a part of their lives...sometimes i also wonder if ppl listen to me or watch me and wonder wot they think.
but today i was deeply saddened and disapointed by what i saw. there was a young single mum with a few of her friends and her son Jye. he was such a cutie, very curly, very blonde hair. obviously took after his biological father cos he loooked NOTHING like his mum. this sounds judgemental - but her and her friends all looked a bit trashy, had older clothes on, bad hair, bad makeup just all round dodgy looking, but also not a day over 20. thru eves-dropping i learnt:
* they all took drugs
* they were all ON drugs
* they had spent all day buying drugs
* they felt the need to add the "F" word between every 2 or 3 other words.

i seriosly wanted to kidnap little Jye. i guess thru doing my teaching degree i am learning alot about how to speak to children, how to get them to do what u want and how wot u say and do to them effects them emotionally. i was just appalled at wot this poor kid was coping. he would have been about 3 MAYBE 4. and he was hearing every single swear word. they spoke badly about him in front of him LIKE AS IF HE DIDNT UNDERSTAND!! he was getting called a little turd, a little s***. his mum was saying "im gonna leave u behind...i wish i cud" .... "ur gonna fall and break ur neck and im gonna laugh at u"
who says that to their kids? :-(

all they were talking about was getting smashed, it was tragic. the mother got all excited when she figured out opportunities and ways to dump her son so she cud go and get drunk or pick up some more drugs.
one girl was asked if she was still 'doing gear' she said she went off it but put on weight so now shes back on it again....like HELLO kind of an expensive diet isnt it?

anyway. it really broke my heart. it was like watching the making of a future armed robber. u cud just see this kid had no love in his life and was gonna end up with major issues. so sad. :-( poor little Jye, will have to pray for him tonight

not loving work right now

2005-12-21T21:50:00.000+08:00

i hate retail
i hate customers
i hate looking for sizes just to make u happy even tho i know we dont have it
i hate smiling at you when all i want to do is cry
i hate being friendly to you when you've just been so horrible
i hate wishing you a merry christmas after you just ruined my day
i hate that i dont even know you, yet i already dont like you and hope to never see you again.

an untimely challenge

2005-12-21T11:31:00.000+08:00

all challanges are untimely really. so i guess thats a stupid name for a post. but some challenges a re untimely-untimely challanges and are just plain unfair.
my family have had a complication with the couple they work with and now have 60 days to find an alternative sponsor for their visas. when it comes down to it, im calm, im not stressed becos i know that they will find a way and God called them to china - to work with these ppl. therefore, these people will not be the reason that my parents have to return to australia without having fulfilled their vision.
i just feel for my mum. well my dad but my mum especially. this couple were not just aquaintences, or even friends, they were partners! they were doing gods work together and as a result formed a very strong friendship - a bond. in places like that u need these kinds of links with ppl in order to survive. u really need friends. chinese friends are fine but only foreign friends will really understand what you are going thru and relate to ur day to day frustrations.

and on a totally unrelated issue.....
last friday i drove down to mandurah to go on a cruise with a friend of mine. it was for his work christmas do so it was all paid for, free food, free drinks, free cruise (student mentality = bring on the free stuff!) it was a fun night. food was good, ppl were ok, the cruise was lovely. the drive home however was something entirely different. jarrad was driving and 3 of his extremely drunk work mates were in the back. i would not, in my wildest dreams ever repeat the things they were saying not only in general, but also TO ME. at one stage jarrad pulled over and threatened to leave them all at the side of the road if they didnt stop speaking to me like they were. it was horrible. i ended up driving home at a crazy hour of the morning feeling upset and used and worthless. but the next day i was able to lift my chin up and put it all behind me.
and now looking at it, its made me thankful and opened my eyes. that scene, that really hurt me on friday night, was where i would have ended up. i would have ended up with loser bf's like them. in a crowd like them that has no respect for women or regard for others
im so glad that i have the friends i have to day, and the standards i have today.

i know i am loved

2005-12-03T22:51:00.000+08:00

today, someone tried to break into my car.
i havent had my car for very long so its kind of devastating!! i have the worst headache from crying. i know that sounds so lame but it really did upset me.
im feeling so challenged as lately ive really been 'feeling' the words of a song by hillsong called "salvation is here" and theres a line that says "and i dont care, what the world throws at me now, ITS GONNA BE ALRIGHT!" and when ive sung that line ive always just felt like screaming it at the top of my lungs and i feel like that devil is saying "oh yeh? well cop this!" and u know wot im saying..."ITS GONNA BE ALRIGHT!!!!" *pokes tongue at stinky satan* hehe.
aaaaaanyway
tonight, i have just been so blessed by ppl around me that have cheered me up. when i got home my flatmates naomie and kristy really cheered me up. i dont know how or why, but they did.
but there were other ppl who said things that touched me and really made me feel loved.
the first was ruth, when she told me that she'd feel honoured to pick me up for church tmrw. HONOURED. and she didnt even say it in a sarcastic funny way, she really meant it. and i was like 'wow i feel special!'
then there was my brother jon he logged onto the internet and chatted with me for a bit...read wot he wrote....
Jonny says:
mum told me what happend to your car !
Jonny says:
that just makes me furious
caz says:
i know, im pretty upset hey
Jonny says:
if feel like finding the people who did that and just giving them the beating of their life ... im so mad !!
Jonny says: what type of idiots would do something like that ... i mean come on!
caz says:
aawww i love u jonny
caz says:
i feel special
Jonny says:
haaha u r special ! :D

isnt he sweet!!! he was going to bash them for me! hehehe.

and then there is my mum... this is part of the email she wrote to me later in the night..

Carrie, I am so sorry your car was damaged, but on the other hand very thankful as you are too that you still have your car. I can hardly stand it, my heart wrenches when you are so upset and I can't hug you in these times. I do wish that i could be there for you in these times.

i just feel so blessed to have people like this in my life. and the good thing is, that these are just a small sample of the amazing ppl that i get to share life with on a daily basis.
my car might be damaged, but the people that i love and the people that love me are still here, and really, thats all that counts.

my jonny bon rocker

2005-12-01T22:19:00.000+08:00

i love my little brother jon so much..ok i love all my brothers and my sister, but at the moment im going to talk about jon
my little jonny-bon-rocker...who is not so little anymore cos he's taller than me and is turning 18 next month.
he lives in china with my parents and when he turns 18 he really has to quite literally become an adult. becos once u turn 18 and ur a foreigner in china, u have to either be studying or hav a job...or u get kicked out.
wot a huge thing to be facing.
if he stays in china he must find a serious teaching job that provides for him a visa, or study.
if he comes back to australia he has to work, or study (and work).
i really feel for him cos im not sure if he's ready for this. its like all of a sudden he's gonna get booted into the big wide world. ...and wot a scary world when its all new and ur experiencing things u never have b4 - with much higher stakes.
wen i left home i was 16 turning 17, so yes, i was much younger, but i was moving in with a brother who had money and cud lend me a helping hand. if jon moved back here, even tho im here, there is only so much i can do for him - as i sometimes struggle myself. and i cant offer him a place to live. WHERE ON EARTH WOULD HE LIVE?!?!
im so protective of jon and i know he is gonna do big things i just really dont envy his position.
he plays it down. and im not sure if he really is just playing it down or if he really hasnt considered how much of a big deal this all is.

IN AWE

2005-11-29T00:55:00.000+08:00

tonight i went to the annual sunset coast fashion parade.
WOW
it was amazing
no - it was mind blowing
we seriously outside ourselves
i sat there thinking "anyone that doesnt come from this church but be in awe right now"
i mean, i was at MY CHURCH. and one girl said to me "ive just never seen anything like this" and i said "neither have i!" HAHA.
i drove home just feeling sooo in love with sunset coast
i really do go to THE BEST church EVER!

learning from courtship

2005-11-26T15:27:00.000+08:00

On wednesday night ruth took me to go and see "Pride and Prejudice". I've never seen it, nor have i read the book and ruth had said good things about it so i was excited!
i really enjoyed the movie and it makes me want to see the extended rediculously long version. hehe. as much as some of the ppl's attitudes in films like that annoy me, i really enjoy watching them and seeing how things were.

randomly it inspired me to google "courtship" and i entered into a site discussing courtship.... here is what it had to say (http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/conway/286/courting.html )

Courtship was considered more a career move than a romantic interlude for young men, as all of a woman's property reverted to him upon marriage. Therefore courting was taken very seriously--by both sides. Men and women were careful not to lead the other on unnecessarily.

From the time she was young, a woman was groomed for this role in life-- dutiful wife and mother. Properly trained, she learned to sing, play piano or guitar, dance and be conversant
about light literature of the day. She also learned French and the rules of etiquette as well as the art of onversation and the art of silence, (EVERYONE GROAN)

COMING OUT' THE COURTSHIP RITUAL
Coming out meant a young woman had completed her education and was officially available on the marriage mart. Financial or family circumstances might delay or move up a girl's debut, though typically, she came out when she was seventeen or eighteen. She purchased a new wardrobe for the season, in order to appear her best in public. A girl was under her mother's wing for the first few years of her social life. (SOUNDS SIMILIAR TO A TEENAGE GIRL...BECOMING THAT AGE WHEN YOU WANT TO LOOK UR BEST FOR THE BOYS)

She used her mother's visiting cards, or that of another female relative if her mother was dead. This same person usually served as her chaperone, as a single girl was never allowed out of the house by herself, especially in mixed company.

Courtship advanced by gradations, with couples first speaking, then walking out together, and finally keeping company after mutual attraction had been confirmed. But a gentleman had to take care in the early stages of courtship. If he was introduced to a lady at a party for the purpose for dancing, he could not automatically resume their acquaintance on the street. He had to be re-introduced by a mutual friend. And then, only upon permission of the lady.

The lower classes had opportunities to socialize at Sunday Service, Church suppers and holiday balls, while upper classes held their social events throughout the season. The season ran from April to July. (THERE ARE SEASONS FOR "PICKING UP!!" ..AKA..HUNTING SEASON - HAHA)

A typical debutante's day meant she rose at 11a.m. or 12 noon, ate breakfast in her dressing room, attended a concert or drove in the Park, dined at eight, went to the opera, then to three or four parties until 5 a.m--all under the watchful eye of her chaperone.
(PARTY ANIMALS!!)

NOW HERE IS SOMETHING I THINK WE COULD ALL LEARN FROM...

A single woman never walked out alone. Her chaperone had to be older and preferably married.

If she had progressed to the stage of courtship in which she walked out with a gentleman, they always walked apart.

A gentleman could offer his hand over rough spots, the only contact he was allowed with a woman who was not his fiancée.

Proper women never rode alone in a closed carriage with a man who wasn't a relative.

She would never call upon an unmarried gentleman at his place of residence.

She couldn't receive a man at home if she was alone. Another family member had to be present in the room.

A gentlewoman never looked back after anyone in the street, or turned to stare at others at church, the opera, etc.

No impure conversations were held in front of single women.

No sexual contact was allowed before marriage. Innocence was demanded by men from girls in his class, and most especially from his future wife.

The couple could become a bit more intimate once they were engaged. They could stroll out alone, hold hands in public, and take unchaperoned rides. A hand around the waist, a chaste kiss, a pressing of the hand, were allowed. They could also visit alone behind closed doors. But they had to be dutifully separated by nightfall, or overnight at country parties.

Thus, if the engagement was broken, the girl suffered the consequences of a ruined reputation because of her previous behavior.

... i dont think i need to say anymore. i know ive broken every last one of those rules in the past... and it just goes to show, even back in the courting days they knew that doing such things would lead to suffering! maybe we could learn a thing or two from the ways of the past!

changing hearts.

2005-11-20T21:23:00.000+08:00

what happens between now and then? when then she drove me crazy, but now i love her.
how does that happen? its amazing how things can change and how people can change you.
before i was one of those people that swept her aside.
now if someone sweeps her aside i want to bash them - hehe ok not quite but close!
only god can bring about changes like this
and it really has witnessed to me how He can sooo just change our hearts.
it means we all have hope of loving - and being loved

i miss my family :-(

2005-11-18T22:08:00.000+08:00

sometimes i hate the lead up to christmas...because these are the people that i DONT get to spend it with...while at work, everyone is full of christmas cheer. and all i want is for them to shutup and for my family to come home. :-(

2005-11-18T22:07:00.000+08:00

blah blah

2005-11-13T16:56:00.000+08:00

im sitting here, rather wet and very cold waiting for the shower...
today was our church's baptisms at arena joondalup and it was so great seeing all these new christians making quality decisions.
afterwards was free swimming and i was standing around watching everyone wishing that i had bought my bathers. out of no where rick grabbed me and said that someone should grab my fone cos i was going in - with or without it! aahhhh. yep. i had been targeted for an undeserved dunking in the pool! i didnt believe him until i started getting pushed closer to the edge! someone took my fone and in i went. i thought it was hilarious...somehow. i guess because i had just been standing there thinking "i wish i was in there"...hhmmm wot do they say, "be careful wot u wish for"? lol.
the water was nice and it was good for a laugh so it didnt bother me. eventually i got out and started to round up the girls that i was driving home. then rob called out to me and said "hey carrie, thanks for being such a good sport, others would have been so dark about that"
i just laughed. but i mean i didnt really think about it til he said that. to me it wasnt an issue. it was funny and its not like rick was rough or was doing it to be mean. they were just being boys.
but it then made me think of an earlier incident when one of the boys did a bombie and water splashed all over another guy and he chucked the biggest hissy-fit over it and stormed off.
and then it got me thinking, about how tiny little incidents like this really do hav a way of showing true colours! maybe even these are little tests from god to see how we handle small seemingly insignificant happenings. cos realistically, its the smaller things in life that people remember. and people remember how u react to what happens to u.
ive totally gone off on a tangent and im not saying this to say "oh im so great becos i didnt chuck a sad" it just made me see, how small things like this have a tendency to bring out the best or the worst in people!

my relationship type....

2005-11-11T23:38:00.000+08:00

hey edwin, we are the same.
floating! lol

Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating

You're not ready to go walking down the aisle.But you may be ready in a couple of years.You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment.And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility.

What's" Your Ideal Relationship?

desire

2005-11-10T23:09:00.000+08:00

desire

want
aspire to
covet
crave
fancy
hope for
long for
set ones heart on
thirst for
wish for
yearn for
ache
appetite
aspiration
passion
desire

what is it that makes me desire to be desired?
i thought id filled that hole
but i mean, when will that ever be filled? surely its human nature to want someone to want you, to feel loved.
i want someone to love me
but when i find someone who does, i dont have the time for it.

girls can be so mixed up!!!

innocence

2005-10-30T20:44:00.000+08:00

innocence
who defines it?
and what is it?
when i think of innocence, i think of a porcelain faced young woman, in a beautiful dress of lace with apricot blush and rich dark hair, with perfect teeth, flawless skin and wonderful nails...who also happens to be a virgin.
to me, virginity defines innocence.
i am not innocent
although i am set free from my past.

but being 'pure' and still have ur virginity does not make u innocent really, does it?
after having lunch with a friend who is a virgin, but hearing all of her 'stories' i know she is very far from innocent. which made me think, how far is too far?

i think circumstances also define where to stopping point should be. kissing someone you love is fine. kissing a stranger who's name u dont know...not quite the same.

rolling over in the morning to your spunk husband must be a beautiful thing...no where near as depressing as rolling over in the morning to a stranger and wondering where u are and how you got there.

things ive done in the past drag me as from innocence as the east is from the west. but thats ok. i think god can use me in this. i hope that thru the tough lessons i learnt that i can help girls over come their weaknesses in the same area - or more importantly, warn them b4 they get there.

but that involves ppl knowing wots happened. and am i ready for that? this afternoon i was having a conversation with 2 other girls about sex. then it went onto how men fool girls into believing that its just wot 'everyones doing'. i shared a story about the guy i lost my virgintity too and the lies he told me. one of the girls seemed shocked that i wasnt a virgin. (which i guess is a good thing!!!) and then she was all like 'oh sweet r you ok? do u need a hug?" i just laughed and shrugged and said "nah im over it! it happened years ago"... i realised after i said that, that the way i emphasised the word 'years' wasnt such a good idea. and that shocked her even more. it was kind of funny. im not sure y. it just was.

anyway
im rambling

although ill never be 'innocent' i can still be pure in god. and im so thankful for that.

i came back!

2005-10-27T21:40:00.000+08:00

today i went into my 'old' prac school (where ive been going all year but have now finished) i had left a book behind and also wanted to collect a students writing sample for an assignment of mine. i was so excited about going in, but also nervous because i didnt want to interupt the class. i arrived at 2:50 and the children were all putting their shoes on. i knocked on the door and peeped my head around. "MISS WILSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" all the kids screamed out. haha. Joy invited me in and all the kids were shrieking and laughing and i heard one voice say "SHE CAME BACK!!" oh. my whole world froze! ...'she came back'...aawww, i left them!!!! *sniff sniff* it was so great to see them. they came swarming up to me giving me cuddles and full of grins. they were all updating me on their lives! like OH MY GOD...a five year olds life really is busy! hehehe. there had been birthdays which was exciting.
i miss those kiddies so much!!!! :-(

CONVERSION

2005-10-26T22:47:00.000+08:00

This WAS me

This IS me NOW :-)

sincere encouragement.

2005-10-12T22:10:00.000+08:00

this past week i have received so much encouragement that i am just blown away.
part of me does feel slightly worried that this cud be the calm b4 the storm and that im gonna need to dwell on all these encouragements in a few weeks time or something when im REALLY being tested! but for now i am just..well, feeling so encouraged! haha. it seems everyone i see has something nice to say. i cant honestly be pleasing this many people all at once! but i am so thankful to all these people because it really is stengthening me and making me feel validated. you dont realise that you really are achieving something good until someone tells you...repeatedly. haha.
i mean the other night at refresh i saw amber and smiled and she said "hi carrie! we were talking about you the other day!" i must have pulled a worried face cos then she said "oh no we were just saying how amazing you are"... i could have choked. and she said it right in front of pastor gerard. haha. but like i dont know amber that well, but to know that she notices me and sees me in a positive note..well, i dont know how to explain how that makes me feel...i guess, special.
anyway im rambling on. i just wanted to write about how nice it is so be surrounded by so many uplifting people.

oh what a feeling

2005-10-05T18:07:00.000+08:00

i think this is the first time in my life where i feel like i am doing what im actually meant to be doing. i know i am fulfilling my destiny. next week i go on my two week block for professional experience and i couldnt be more excited! Last night i was brainstorming some more ideas for lessons and went to bed buzzing with ideas and plans. as i lay in bed i thought "wow! i just KNOW teaching is for me!" i msged my friend ty and said "is this wot it feels like when your doing wot u were born to do?" cos that is how i felt. i cant even explain it.

today i phoned my mentor teacher just to clarify a few things and explain to her some of my ideas. she seemed happy with all of them and gave me lots of encouragement. i got off the fone with an even greater buzz!
then i sat down and wrote my first lesson plan. as i was writing it God really was just giving me all these wonderful ideas of what to say and do to make the lesson engaging. i went to work feeling rather hypo!

at work there were so many kids that came in and i had so much fun playing and chatting with them. there was one girl who i was talking to and admiring her hair and her little pink fur jacket. i could tell she just LOVED all the compliments. before she left with her mum she said "excuse me" then handed me a lollipop and said "this is for you" with a sweet little grin. i was so shocked! i asked why she was giving it to me, but she just smiled. i knew it was cos i was nice to her..or something like that anyway. it really touched me hey. that a young child gave me a lollipop! so cute!!!

then after work i had to go and grab a few things for my prac. one of my lessons is introducing the letter 'w'. i have to dress up as a witch-much to my disgust. howeva im dressing up as a 'white witch' to i look less sinister. so i went and bought a nose with a Wart on it. and bought some White cardboard and White lace for my hat. then i went home and made the hat and tried it on with my nose. it looks so good hey. (well...as good as a witch can look!)
wow
im so excited!
i really am doing what i am destined to do and i cant even explain the buzz im feeling.

memories

2005-09-14T21:54:00.000+08:00

astral boy, killing heidi (brings back memories!)

astral boy
you are so high
will you, ever come down?

soaring over everyone
your...bigger than the stars

oooooo....

astral boy
ur so hot
will u. ever melt?

flying so close
to the sun
now you know
how i felt.

ooooo....

now your cold
ur so alone
sitting on the floor
hard wood boards
and abstract thoughts
a gesture, to the door.

ooooo....

attraction

2005-09-11T22:58:00.000+08:00

attraction.
how does it happen?
what is it inside us that makes us go "ooo la la" when someone walks in the room?
is it even possible to control? and if so, to what extent? or more importantly, is it healthy to try and control it?
i mean if the attraction is an "ooo la la" attraction wen that person enters the room then i guess its physical so its harder to control...or is intellectual/personal attraction harder to control?
im not sure
and is 'noticing' someone the same as having a silly crush? or are they two very different things? i guess its up to us to define it really and how we as a person think it should be, or how it actually IS.
hmm im just emptying my head.

he supplies all my needs

2005-09-11T15:05:00.000+08:00

it seems god is finding new and creative ways to blow me away with his ability to supply me with my needs (and desires!)
a new car
a great new house
good grades
and yay even money.

sadly my account got overdrawn due to a bill. so my account is in the -$'s..which is never nice.
on friday i was just like "god, i know that if necessary i can survive til pay day with no money, but ya know, some money wud b nice." ...that night i put on a pair of jeans that had $20 in the back pocket!!

also, today i was supposed to go to this guys house to clean it and he was gonna pay me to do it. which was great for me cos id have money to live and also to put towards my insurance bill thats coming up next week. i was texting my best mate in sth africa and when he found out he offered me more money if i wud just stay at home and not go to this guys house. i cudnt believe he was offering this. but of course i accepted. god bless tyrone. altho we've had our moments, he really is heaven sent at times. im so thankful to him for helping me. but im more thankful to god. because he had it all worked out. he knew all along that those sms's would get exchanged and he knew the state of ty's heart. ty is a giving man. im so happy. i know its just a small thing but im blown away.im easily pleased! haha.

also today ruth asked me if i wanted to go to the leaders meeting tonight. i was really suprised. yet excited. i guess because ive really felt that god has been working on me and i feel like im changing. but i feel like by being invited to this that other ppl can see a change in me too. the fact that its a leaders meeting doesnt even matter to me! im just so glad that ppl can see god is working on and in me. is that lame? ahh i dont care. im just happy. haha.
ok ill stop waffling.
but its good that god can supply my physical and emotional needs.
JOLLY HOCKEY STICKS!!

my church family

2005-09-04T16:02:00.000+08:00

Today is fathers day. Today, I cant see my dad, he is in China. I was a little sad about that and I miss my family but I hadn’t really had the time to think about it. Today at church we had a beautiful segment dedicated to the dads where they all got given home made soaps from the kids and a wonderful video presentation was played for the dads. The video presentation was full of kids saying why they loved their dads. It was so sweet, not to mention funny. It bought tears to my eyes. The message, delivered by pastor Gerard was excellent. About the affect father have on their kids not just in the physical sense but also spiritually. And also how God can be our Father. It was really good.
I was ushering so I was there for both the first and second service. At the end of the second service I was feeling good cos id made it thru the whole morning without crying…haha. Well.. Along with the alter call, pastor Gerard called up some key male leaders in the church that are also fathers and said anyone that needed a godly, fatherly hug they were welcome to come up the front and get one! I tell you, I wanted to sprint up there! But I cudnt. I knew id just cry. Then I started crying anyway, so I ran to the toilets instead. (hmm wrong direction carrie!) as much as my dad knows how to drive me nuts I just really miss him today. And I felt so empty and sad. Then I came out and well, God is good. He knew I needed family around me and that’s what I had – my church family. It didn’t matter why I was crying, people were giving me the most thereputic hugs. I really do have wonderful friends. And then I started getting hugs from Dads. I was blown away by how much compassion I felt from them when I explained to them why I would not be able to see my dad today. Mr Buck even gave me his hanky! I approached Mr Pilton to tell him that he needed to drink his hot drink on the lino (only to discover his cup was actually empty! Lol) and when he saw that id been crying he just gave me the biggest hug. I couldn’t believe it. I hardly know him. Yet he stepped away from his conversation to comfort me and give me a cuddle.
Im so blown away by my church family. Um yeh, I don’t know what else to say. Im just blown away. People who I hardly know, show more love than some people that ive known for years! I guess that’s the love of God.

goodbye

2005-08-29T00:44:00.000+08:00

its 12:45am. i just got home from sydney and im so tired that ill probably fall asleep writing this entry. but i just dont feel like going to bed just yet.
the house is so so so quiet. not to mention empty. karen has been in the process of moving out and i walked into a house with next-to-no furniture. wasnt exactly the 'homely' feeling i was wanting to soak up to make up for the fact that my mum isnt here to give a kiss goodnight.
i think thats wots keeping me from going to bed actually. i want to say good nigh to my family. but i cant :( im sure they are all FAST asleep now. they fly out back to china tomorrow.
i had a good time with them hey. but it just went so fast. i cant believe how fast it went. its weird, when i arrived it was all very exciting...10 mins later it was like old times again. i relax more with my family than i do with anyone else. which is to be expected really i guess.
the conference was excellent - but thats a whole other entry. we really only had saturday and sunday to spend together as the conference was so time consuming, not to mention exhausting.
sadly tho, a couple invited themselves over to our room for the whole of saturday. so a potential family day turned out to be, well, not a family day and my mum was expected to wait on this couple hand and foot. dont get me wrong. i still had some fun. i played tennis and frisby with jon and shani and dad and that was deffinately a good laugh. but real family time can only happen when there is just family around.
saturday night dad just watched the cricket of course. totally ignored all of us.
sunday he went off to church. we went to the shops as mum had to get a few things to take back to china. by the time we got back to the hotel i had 3 hours to pack and spend some quality time with them. once id packed we sat down to play some board games together. but suprise suprise dad was glued to the television. "thanks dad"
i did actually have a brief special moment with dad the day i arrived. at the conference we had a session where u cud go do a thingo on prayer and one of was on leadership. i stayed in the leadership one, as did dad. towards the end we had to partner up with someone we knew well and write: "3 things about you that work for me" and "3 things about you that DONT work for me" and "what i expect from you/ what i hold you accountable for" dad and i were partners. i told him straight what i dont like. hahaha. i said he was impatient, needs to reconsider how he talks to people and i cant remember the other one. i felt bad cos he only wrote one bad thing about me. haha "when you tell me im wrong, and i know ur right!" haha. made me laugh. but yeh there was a whole lot of other things and it bought us clse together - but only for the remainder of that day...then he went back to his usual rude, selfish person.
i mean i love my dad so much. i really do. i just wish he wasnt such an idiot. its like he says something that is SO rude. yet he cant see the problem with it. and u just want to slap him. anyway
the 'goodbye' was very rushed. someone foned in the last few mins that i had with my family and didnt seem to understand "im about to leave for the airport i have to go!"
so yeh a rushed goodbye as dad insisted that everyone go to church, which meant them leaving the same time as me, but their lift came early and yeh. very rushed. i was very upset. mum was crying. jon and shani's face to expression-less. dad seemed more interested in getting his lift to church.
i just miss them so much already.
i dont want to go to bed bcos i know ill just cry and i dont want to cry cos ive been crying all night it seems and my eyes are so sore i just wish they were here. or i was there. woteva. i just wish we didnt have to apart like this. its so unfair. and now ive just made myself even more upset.
i just really want my mum :-(

god really pulled thru

2005-08-21T22:21:00.000+08:00

well i found me the perfect car! yay. ive had it since wednesday now and its going great guns!
its a silver ford festiva, a late 98 model. has 4 doors, air con, power steering and cd player.
it goes well and i love it! god really did come thru for me. my patience paid off!
i also found a place to live today which is great. im glad that weight is off my shoulders. its with 2 girls from church. funny - this time last yr i wud neva hav moved in with someone from church. but yeh, it seems perfect for me. and hopefully ill still b able to hold culture group there. im just so happy that its all worked out! and its all been god. i mean i dont want to sound all holy and religious but it really was him. i just gave it to him and told him to take care of it (altho i did get a little stresssed and frustrated along the way!) but yeh, i always knew god wud sort it out. i think this will make a big difference in my faith in the future.

do they miss me?

2005-08-12T22:51:00.000+08:00

this evening i was washing off my makeup and i had a flash back of wen i was packing my things to leave china earlier this year. i was in my brothers room and nicking some moistouriser to bring home. i remember seeing jon's face as i pumped out some of the cream. it was like it was hitting him that i was leaving but didnt want to show emotion. i mean maybe im totally wrong. maybe he was annoyed cos id distracted him from his computer game and he lost a life or something. i dont know.
but it made me wonder, if jon and shani miss me. it made me wonder how often they think of me? do they go a week without wondering how i am? or a day? or, do they think of me several times a day? and when they do think of me, are they sad cos im not there? or are they laughing inside about something funny that happened while we were together. i know these are all rather self centred thoughts- but lets face it, we all like to be missed.
i think of my family every day. even if it is briefly. i think of them in my prayers and when i walk past pics of us together. or if something happens this reminds me of something to do with them. but other than that i choose to try to not think of them so that i dont get upset. even writing about them now makes my heart ache and my eyes water. i know if i start crying, the tears will flow for ages.
i just love jon and shani so much. i got a letter from mum today and the first thing she mentioned was that it was only 19 days til we were going to see one another. i couldnt believe that my mum was counting down the days. i was so touched. and it made me think of what it was like leaving them all behind in china wen i left to go back to australia. i cant explain how much it hurt. my tears were more real than ever. and so many ppl were staring at me becos i was sitting waiting to board with tears flowing like a river. i just couldnt stop. and pain i felt inside was horrible. and my last waves goodbye. and then realising i was past the point where i could s till see them. i felt a small state of panic. this was it- i was leaving my family behind, again. and it made me dread saying goodbye again later on this month.
i sometimes wonder if jon and shani are mad at me, for leaving them. i wonder what goes thru their minds, when i pack my bags and leave. they never cry. do they cry later? or are they just used to it now? is life better wen im not around? but i just love them so much. and i hate knowing that it will be a year b4 i see them again after my visit with them in syd later on this month.
it really is horrible when u havent got family around. i have plenty of adopted family and a wonderful support network here. but sometimes i just wish i cud hug my mum. or paint nails with shani or be an idiot with jon or watch a movie with dad. and i dont have that. where i am now i have been alone for 3 weeks. ive discovered that i dont cope well being alone. i mean, i do cope. but i dont like it one bit. ive never craved human contact and affection more than i am at the moment. *sigh*
i just wish that there were less goodbyes in life. they really do hurt so so so much

fnapigaighraofjarfjr <--cudnt think of a title!

2005-08-02T21:38:00.000+08:00

well i have survived my first week of uni...it feels so funny saying that on a tuesday night!
monday i had two classes and today i had 4 (i think) so far i have pretty much enjoyed all of them. the language tute was rather flat tho. im hoping that the tutor tries to get a bit more excited about our course material. it did kind of seem like she hadnt even looked at the course material until she rocked up to class which wasnt very encouraging. another student also observed that she said "um" alot - which is a worry in a language unit!!!
overall tho i am happy and excited. the work load in some units seems heavy, but i think that if i wasnt capable, i wouldnt be here. therefore i am capable and my grades from last semester do reflect that. so im looking fwd to kicking some butt this semester. haha.
one of my units is a catholic unit - despite it being titled "celebrating CHRISTIAN rituals" and i think this could serve for some interesting debates, or at least some internal explosions of frustration on my part. the catholic religion sure has alot of rules. but i know it will be interesting. plus it pays to know about what other people believe in, you can then respect them and their boundaries a little more. but yeh. im sorry why ppl become catholic and allow that rubbish teaching into their minds is BEYOND ME! my friend emma said that her lecuturer said genesis is a myth and that the bible can not be taken literally! i cudnt believe it when i heard that! how can u teach something that u believe is a myth? and he is a brother! he is not just any old yobbo off the street, catholicism (i dont think thats a word) is supposedly his life.
my tutor also made the interesting comment that church is not really a celebration in the sense of how we celebrate other events in our lives. haha. that made me laugh inside. i felt like saying "bro, u need to come to sunset coast! every service is a celebration of jesus and how he saved us" anyway, as i said, it shud b 'interesting'!

b4 going to studio tonight my landlord came to the door and delivered some bad news. news that is extremely untimely. i am shocked and believe that it is not of god that i leave this place now. i know he will take care of it. i dont want to talk about it alot. i got strongly to only share this problem with ppl that can pray about it, not gossip about it and make it worse. i just know that god will take care of the situation. i need to cast that care upon him and believe for his favour in this situation. i just wont let myself get attacked like this. this is not wot i deserve and i wont bow down and give up i am going to be strong!

anyway
im off to beddy-byes

good clean fun.

2005-08-01T09:12:00.000+08:00

last night was my friend Anna's birthday celebration and i had so much fun!!! goood CLEAN fun at that. just what the dr ordered. after anna dropped me home i was walking up to my villa and i thought "what a contrast to last sunday night" since i still dont know how i even got home last sunday. i know im human and we make mistakes. and theres no point constantly grilling yourself over stupid mistakes you made, but as i walked in the door i thought about how this wonderful night is a reminder that you dont need alcohol to have an absolute blast...you dont need a club or a pub to have a laugh with some guys. and you will never, ever find the good quality people that i was with last night in a bar drinking...why? because they are BETTER THAN THAT! and i want to be better than that too. in fact no, i know that i am better than that, and i plan to stay that way.

every time that i get invited out to a club or bar im going to remind myself of this huge contrast from one week to the next and remember how much more i enjoyed last night. honestly i just cant believe how much fun i had last night - at a restaurant! but with an awesome bunch of people. i always think, when im at church and im not around ruth or emma "omg i have no friends i feel like a looser" but last night looking around, all those ppl, were not only anna's friends, but my friends too. and gosh i dont think ive laughed that hard in a while!!
and the guys are all just so lovely. you can chat and chat away and have a civil conversation thats not gonna lead to "so you come here often?" or something a little more cheesy.

i dunno, there are no words for what i need to say. but yeh, last night was great and im so thankful to God for showing me the that the grass is actually ALOT greener on MY side of the fence!!!

there ARE nice guys

2005-07-17T17:34:00.000+08:00

hmm its been a long long time since ive updated!
im still lookin for the perfect car *sigh* sadly the one i had my eyes on got sold the night b4 i was going to check it out! but thats ok, i know that god has the right car on its way for me.

last night i went to subi with some friends. some guys, some girls, all from sunset coast. the night didnt start out that great. it being 'that time' i was already a but 'unstable' haha. and i had a rough day at work and i was starving and tired and the plans got changed which annoyed me. but once we everyone arrived i was feeling beta instantly.

we walked around til we found a place to eat. sadly everyones food was quite bland. but that didnt stop us from bringing the house down with our laughter! hehe. after din dins we went to some ice cream place. and some of us less financially equipped ppl sat in the corner staring at everyone elses icecreams. hehehe.

i had some good convo's with quite a few ppl. the convo's of note were with ashleigh, sven and rob. i was suprised at how much i enjoyed ashlieghs company as usually, well, she drives me crazy. but sven and rob really did make me realise that there are nice guys out there. i mean i KNOW there are. but u rarely see living examples! hehe. they can be few and far between. i mean im not at all 'interested' in them. but they stood out. cos i mean ill hav tonnes of convo's with guys at church but there are some guys who stand out as men that respect women with the respect that i yearn for in a future man!

its encouraging
and thats all i have to say about that!

the sunshine after the storm

2005-07-05T22:26:00.000+08:00

i can not believe wot has just happened!
let me give some background.... i got my licence over a month ago and have been car hunting for quite a while. i had been researching interest rates for car loans and one night i was feeling a bit down at the expense of the interest rates and i was praying and really felt that god was telling me to wait two weeks. so i thought "ok"
a week later i found a car and fell in love with it. it seemed so perfect and was such a good price. i felt so tempted to call my mum and dad and just beg for a loan. but i was reminded of the 'two weeks' and decided to wait. i put the pic of the car on my desktop so i cud see it everyday and kept praying and thanking god for my car.

today i received an email from my parents saying that they were gonna give me a loan for a car!!! it was two weeks exactly, to the very day, to the very night that god told me to wait for that 2 weeks. i cant believe it. i didnt even have to ask! they offered.

wot a miracle
after last night, having such a battle but pulling thru and breaking thru and thanking god for everything. its just amazing.

i am on cloud 9.
thank god!!
IM GETTING A CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

changes

2005-06-29T23:26:00.000+08:00

i know that somethings need to change. but there are somethings that u dont want to change. and why is it, that wen things DO change, it is often in a way u really wish it didnt!!!??
im sad cos i had made good friends with this guy matty online. i really enjoy talking to him. we always have a good laugh and thru the whole stupid tristram thing he kept me smiling. in fact he always kept me smiling. it made me smile to see him come on cos i knew there were some laugh ahead. and we shared lots of stuff too. but things have changed. and i dont know y.

this time last week everything was normal. in fact last thurs night he had just bought a webcam and he was testing it out and i was just sitting there wetting myself laughing at his antics. it was so strange to see him on a webcam. was almost like real life! sure is amazing technology. i went to bed that night with the biggest grin on my face. he sure did cheer me up. but yeh. that was kind of the high point i guess cos its all been downhill from there. he has hardly been online since, which is no big deal. but the thing is, wen he IS online he hardly speaks to me, in fact sometimes wen i come online, he just leaves. and we just had this big stupid argument and i dont even know wot it was over~!!!!!! and im sad cos i dont want to lose him as a friend...even tho ive never met him1!! lol. he just cheers me and knows the right things to say... :-(

ON A MUCH BRIGHTER NOTE....................

this evening i went to the last session for Just For Her. (i think it was the last session anyway!) it was a conference that nancy alcorn was at, the founder of Mercy Ministries. wow. she really touched me. she has a big heart. and i was amazed at how god was using her to touch ppls lives. she shared stories about girls that had come thru her mercy homes and had their lives totally changed. hearing their stories broke my heart and then lifted my heart all over again. and at the end i thought, "WOW! these girls have been to hell and back and becos of wot God did in their lives, well, their lives cud not b any beta right now! even after they've been thru" which made me realise that even with wot happened to me wen i was younger and the stupid decisions that ive made in the past and recently are almost nothing compared wot these girls have experienced and god has turned it all around for good...therefore god most surely can do it for me too!
this means that my life WILL be great! and that god DOES have the perfect man waiting for me and HE REALLY DOES have a good plan for my life.
wow. i feel so uplifted and so full of hope. i cant wait to hear he speak at MY church on friday night and sunday morning, what an honour.

suprising respect

2005-06-28T22:25:00.000+08:00

so strange...i just had a phone call from travis...a guy that i got a bit involved with one night a few weeks ago. it was one of those weird (and idiotic) things. we hooked up one night and still kept in contact now and then. however after deciding to change my ways for good i decided i would have to just be friends with him, or nothing at all. we hadnt really spoken in a while. and i wasnt too bothered by it cos i knew that he was wanting to catch up.

anyway...he called tonight. straight away he said, something along the lines of..."hey i just really wanted to apolagise for not calling you lately. its just the last time we talked u seemed really upset and not urself so i thought that maybe you needed your space, but maybe i gave you too much space and i just wanted to call and let you know that i wasnt blowing you off, i just wasnt sure when would be a good time to call"
i laughed and said it was fine and that i wasnt at all offended and that i wasnt worried at all but that it was nice of him to call and make sure that i was ok

then he said that his boss had given him a double pass to the movies and there was no one he'd rather take than me. i told him id happily go, but only as friends. he hesitated and said ..."can we b friends that kiss?" i didnt say anything to that. and then i think he realised he'd stuffed up and he apolagised profusely. i then explained to him that i didnt want to go into details becos he didnt know me well but that i just needed to stay single and stay away from men. that it was just something i needed to do. he took it well tho which was great. i apolagised and explained that i really wanted to tell him in person but didnt want to lead him on and go to the movies with him, with the impression that i wanted to pursue something serious. i also told him that it had nothing to do with him and that he had been lovely and been sweet to me and treated me with respect. and he went on to say that if he ever treated me without respect at all that it wasnt intentional.

over all it was a really good conversation. and he was really good about the whole thing. we had a long chat about how men treat ladies and how we had been mistreated in previous relationships. i mean i cud be wrong, but he does seem like a genuine nice guy, which i think is due to his good up bringing. its obvious he holds his mum with the highest esteem. i encouraged him to never change and make sure that he always treats girls nicely. im glad that we're still going to be friends. well i mean, we'll see if i ever hear from him again. hahaha.

its just put me in a good mood, that there is ONE guy in my life who has the decency to respect my new boundaries and actually encourage me in them. anyway. thats my blah blah for now.

turning over a new leaf

2005-06-27T16:57:00.000+08:00

im turning over a new leaf in my life. i need to clean up my act and put a stop to some of the things ive been doing, well ALOT of things that ive been doing!
thanks to close and supportive friends tho, i have people to help keep me accountable and remind me that i AM priceless and that i DO deserve better.
i was cleaning out my bedside table/shelves the other week and i found this book "Dont Date Naked" i remembered when i last read it and how it affected me and helped me to make a decision for purity and re-think my reasons for dating and also rethink the kinds of ppl that i was dating. i remembered being quite happily single. and altho i still checked guys out (eye candy is harmless!!!) i was still happy within myself and happy 'saving myself' for the guy i was meant to be with. i know that i had this mentality that if i wasnt going to marry him,y waste my time on him? that sounds short and bitter but i have to think of myself and the baggage that i am adding to my life. so yeh ANYWAY. i thought that the way i WAS is the way i want to be again, only better. so i made a quality decision to read that book again and ive hardly put the book down.
its been so interesting reading about setting standards and going thru the qualities list that i had this time last year and seeing that it hasnt really changed, yet i have compromised it in so many ways. if anything ive added to it, which i guess is a good thing. especially after tristram, the main points ive added is:
* if he wants to see me, HE can come and see ME.
and
* he WILL not stand me up EVER.
so even tho my standards dropped for a while, hopefully now they will be higher than they ever will b4.
its been hard tho. in the last i dunno, week or 2 ive just had so many temptations to break this new promise to myself that i will pursue purity and self respect. but to get those i need to get self control. the self respect and purity will follow that.

another thing that ive found interesting so far in this book is the discussion on pre-marital sex. especially about all the STD's that come with it, it is all very scary and i didnt realise how easy it is for them to be transmitted.

today i had lunch with a friend and we discussed about the dangers of std's and the consequences they can have on life. also about setting higher standards and why its important to only marry a christian guy who is fearful of God. it was just one of those conversations where u KNOW god really planned it. everything we spoke about i have been reading and thinking about and contemplating and telling myself that i believe it and need to follow it. but after my convo with Anna, i dunno, it all just really sunk in.

i guess thats why friendships and fellowship is so important!

bills bills bills

2005-06-22T10:10:00.000+08:00

oh how i hate bills

ok we alllll hate bills. but i think i hate bills more. lol
they all just come at once dont they?
i have just received a bout $500 in bills.
HAHAHA. im trying to laugh. eeeeeekkkk.
to some people though i guess that isnt very much at all. but i dont think ive ever had this many bills come at once.
its not like im being overcharged. im just kind of annoyed cos 2/3 companies have sent me late invoices. specially telstra..ggrrr. this bill should have been paid a month ago, its taken them this long to get their act together and stop sending me overdue notices instead of actual invoices.
and now my isp has sent me the invoice for my modem, that ive had for like 2 months as well as as the bundled fone and internet charges. so mean! lol
oh well. i guess laughing it off is all i can do, cos at the end of the day, i still have to pay them!
its not like i dont have the money, i do, it just seems like alot of money...to me.
but apart from that
all is well :-)
off to work....to earn money...to pay the bills!

hurt and confused

2005-06-13T13:53:00.000+08:00

i havent written anything on here about tristram but now i reeaaally need to vent.
we met a while back. he seemed nice and he used to go to sunset coast so i knew that he'd respect the fact that i was a christian and would always put church first. we would have lunch together and hangout here in there in a bid to get to know each other a little better. i was really enjoying his company and also enjoying being able to hang out with a guy that was romantically interested in me, without having him try to put his hands all over me. one night he invited me over his place and he cooked me dinner and i met his mum and dad and sister. i was like 'wow' i was just so impressed. we sat on his lil couch in front of the tele and had a good laugh and mucked around and cuddled and had a bit of a kiss and it was soooo nice. there was no pressure and his kisses were so good. eventually it was time to go home and he gave me money for a cab (cos he's lost his license)

things kept going well for a while. he seemed to genuinly miss me if we didnt get to see each other for a week and he'd send me the sweetest messages that would leave me feeling so "warm and fuzzy".

then it all went downhill.

it had been a week since we had seen each other and we'd organised to have a picnic on wednesday before i started uni. but that never amounted to anything. he said he couldnt make it because his cousin had gotten himself into trouble and he needed to help him out. so that was ok with me. he said he'd come over at night time instead. so i was cool with that. but nope, he never came. i organised dinner and everything. he said he was still trying to sort things out with his cousin and get him out of trouble. he said he was still coming tho and would let me know wen...but he never came! and never did let me know that he cudnt make it. obviously i was a little annoyed and told him so too. but i also said that i understood it was for his cousin and i expected him to put his family first.
anyway

that blew over and he came over that friday afernoon for a while between work and church. everything was great. we were snuggled on the couch watching tv and chatting away. it was real nice. he said he really wanted to see me on sunday after church and had changed his community service over to saturday so he could hang out with me. so i was excited.

on saturday night i texted him to let him know that i was going to the library for a little while after church but to msg me and let me know when he wanted to catch up and id meet up with him...never did hear from him tho. in fact i still havent heard from him.

it did upset me. for obvious reasons! i was starting to like him. but my friends all said it was his loss and some even said that i was way out of his league anyway and that i deserved alot better. which was nice. but still doesnt stop u asking "WHY?" kind of makes me wonder if theres something wrong with me. but deep down i do know that he's the one with the problem and not me.

i told myself that i wouldnt call him....but shamefull i did. it was engaged. so at least i knew he wasnt dead. eventually i got through but it rung out and went to his answering machine. i just said i didnt know wot was happening and that i just wanted to know if he was ok. then i texted him. i told him that i didnt care if he was sick of me, or if he hooked up with some other girl on that friday night but he could at least be a man and TELL ME. then i said that all of that crap aside, i did grow to care about him and that it would nice to know if he's ok cos for all i know he could be dead in a gutter.
nope, still havent heart from him

but he's not dead. ... sadly. i saw him at work today. after my exam i went to lakeside with emma and we were about to walk past wen i realised, i looked up and there he was. i asked emma if we cud go around the other way. i didnt want him to see me. if he does see me i want to look HOT. HAHAAHHA. in the end tho we did walk past. i had to go to the vege shop. emma said that he watched me walk past. i asked if he had a strange look on his face. but she said he did, but thinks he might just look like that all the time! HAHAHA. that was funny.

but i really did feel like crap. i mean ok, i dont really want him dead haha. thats just silly but i was hoping to never see him again. but it makes me feel like total poop that he really has purposefully screwed me over.

on the bus trip home i couldnt get him out of my head.
was he thinking about me?
did he see me walk past and regret stuffing me around?
did me see me and think 'thank god im not with her anymore'?
did he feel a little bit bad?
or did he just see me, then get on with his day and forget about me?

i dont know. uurrggh. silly boys!

things that make u go 'hmmm'

2005-06-02T20:12:00.000+08:00

this afternoon i went shopping with my lovely ruth janine and in the car we were talking about gaz n how he n teresa hav just hooked up and how sweet he is and how much he cares about her. ruth had, had some emails from him n he was talking about how he cant believe how blessed he is to have teresa and how its wot he's been praying for for so long and he cant believe its real. n we were both sitting there going 'aww how sweet how wonderful'
then i realised i had that...with jay. and it ended up repulsing me. it really did do my head in. and i wonder y that is. do i just not respond to guys who r that nice to me? am i so used to being treated like crap that wen a guy is nice to me i cant handle it. do i only respond to bad treatment? i dunno. im not overly worried. but it was one of those moments that struck me n made me think "hhmmm"

stupid centrelink

2005-06-01T08:25:00.000+08:00

could centrelink possibly get anymore annoying? I DONT THINK SO!!! i got a letter in the mail the other day requesting my tax file number and all my pay slips from MARCH! i called them up to confirm my tax file number. but tell them i didnt have all of my payslips. the guy i was speaking to said "you have been working at jeans west for a while havent u?" and i said "yeh for like 3 years now" and then he asked "so why did u sign a new tax declaration form earlier this year" and i was sitting there thinking "wot? wot does that hav to do with anything" so i explained to him that i had to resign for the time i was in china otherwise it would be abandonement of employment but i got my job given back to me when i returned. then he asked for all my payslips. i said i had most of them but not all. he got all annoyed n said they'd write to jeanswest and request all of my payment information.
they are checking up on me to make sure that ive been reporting all my income correctly. the guy then says that if there are any discrepencies they'll contact me and charges may apply if ive reported an incorrect ammount! so i said to him that i have to report the day b4 my pay from jeanswest comes thru, therefore i have to PREDICT wot im gettin paid i never actually know exactly. and he just didnt care. he just repeated, if u have reported wrong you will receive a fine.

OOOMMGGG. i was so angry. this reporting process is total crap. they actually ASK U TO ESTIMATE. now they want to punish u for it. if i get any fines i am going to chuck the biggest fit. there is no way im paying it. centrelink seem to take pleasure in making lives harder for those who already struggle on a day to day basis.

i just hate the way that they make u report ur GROSS income and not ur NET income. it doesnt make sense. i dont get my gross income, that is $50-$100 more than wot i actually get in my hand. its just not fair. i dont pay my rent or bills with my gross income, so why the hell should i get money deducted off me from centrelink for money i never get?

i know i should be thankful that im getting any money at all cos some countries have nothing like this. but sometimes its almost like they enjoy making life hard for us.

not sharing

2005-05-31T22:34:00.000+08:00

tonight in culture group we were talking about relationships and friendships. ppl were asked to say what they look for in relationships etc and the very first thing i thought of was "someone who listens!" i know that my closest pals are such good listeners. im not saying i just wanna talk about myself its quite the opposite really. but sometimes u just need someone to listen to you and what u have to say. and then i was about to say, "and i really cant stand it when ppl wont talk back to me" and i guess in a way i did say it. but not quite like that cos i realised just b4 i was about to say it that i am one of those ppl that doesnt talk back. wot i mean is, im not sharing my issues. i do share some of them. but i feel like ever since tyrone left i have been keeping things closer to me and not talking with anyone about them. its annoying. and i think my friends must find it frustrating when they can see that im down but i wont tell them wots going on in my head. i guess its silly i should just speak to my friends about why i feel down. sometimes tho its just easier to put on a mask and fake ur way thru the day. i guess i just felt silly becos i was thinking 'a good friend is someone who shares their stuff with u so that you can help them thru the tough times' yet here i am, not sharing things with my friends.

but then there are some things u just dont really want anyone to know about. i dont want ppl to see me differently becos of something new that they know about me.
urrggh this isnt coming out the way it is in my head so i think ill just give up.

alone 08/05/2005

2005-05-13T23:05:00.000+08:00

entry for the 08/05/2005

Sometimes I feel so alone. I miss tyrone. I miss being able to have someone to talk to whenever. I miss being able to have that someone who you can tell absolutely ANYTHING to. They wont judge u, or think less of u. just laugh or sometimes lecture u. Even though I do have good friends I still feel like I have no one to talk to. It sounds ridiculous and I cant even explain it myself. Blah. I don’t know. L

I just got off the fone to cara and she said that I didn’t sound like my normal self. I told her id been feeling a little down the last few weeks, missing tyrone, my family and getting stressed out from uni. I told her that I feel like I have no one to talk to and I feel like im exploding from within. I have my boss from work constantly confiding in me about all her problems. Which is ok. I don’t mind lending a shoulder to cry on. But I feel like if I talk to her about any of my troubles or tell her that im feeling down that she’ll just feel annoyed cos the problems in her life are just ‘so much bigger’ or something.

At the end of my conversation with cara she said that we need to hang out more. Which is right. Our friendship seems to have just gone completely down the drain since she’s stopped going to church. She also said that if ever I need someone to talk to that I should just call her, no matter whats going on even if I just need to have a cry. But I know that I wont. Our friendship isn’t good enough anymore for me to do that. And I think that’s the problem. I do have good friends, but I don’t have any close friends that I can just pick up the fone and have a general laugh or a cry with. I consider ruth Janine close, but she is so busy. And I know that she has so many other girls who confide in her, who have bigger problems so it feels wrong for me to bug her with all my crap. And there are something u don’t want your leader to know cos they are just stupid or embarrassing even…or lets face it, in some cases, just evil.

catch up 1 - one of 'those' girls (24/04/2005)

2005-05-13T23:00:00.000+08:00

its been a while
so here is a blog entry i wrote once while at home cos i needed a release and didnt have the net..now i can post it....
24/04/2005
Last night I texted tyrone saying that I feel like I might be becoming like one of “those” girls. We used to talk about ‘those’ girls that he would meet when he’d go out clubbing. They’d seem all keen and sweet and like a really nice gal. He would get their number but it would turn out they have a bf, or they’d start seeing each other and things wud b good but then all of a sudden, BAM, sorry I just want to be single. We’d talk about how girls like this are idiots and they don’t know wot they want and they are the reason that there are so many stupid men out there cos they get screwed over by girls like this.

Last night I was thinking about jay and how I tore his heart out and Neale too and lots of other guys who’s names I cant remember (wot a man eater!) and those were all genuinely nice guys who treated me nicely but within 2 weeks, or less in most cases I would b running for the hills. ‘I just wanna be single!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ there is nothing wrong with wanting to be single. That is fine. But im starting to realize that in my fight for singleness I really am hurting ppl. And this time, it wasn’t just any guy, it was a valued friend. And although we’re working to patch things between us, our friendship will never be the same.

But anyway im going off on a tangent…the other characteristic that one of ‘those’ girls carry is the ability to end up chasing losers. Well not just losers, but guys that don’t care about them, guys that will use them, guys that love their body-not them. I know im doing that at the moment. Well…im pretty sure that’s how he feels about me, I cant figure him out. He seems nice and we get along well, but I think he’s just excited about hooking up with an aussie chick. (he’s from nz) after spending time with him I think to myself “carrie wot r u doing? You can do so much better than him”….geez. wot a cocky little biatch ive become.

Im starting to see now tho, its not wot u CAN get, its about what you DESERVE to get. Ive always felt like ive deserved a great guy. But today im not so sure. I don’t feel I deserve an ass-wipe but I don’t think I deserve my prince. If I did get a prince chances are I’d ditch him anyway!!

So in short ‘those’ girls…act like they want something, but they really don’t, or at least they think they don’t, they really aren’t too sure either.
And I really think that’s me. So does ty. He agreed, reluctantly. It seems that he noticed it was happening to me a while ago.
My excuse is that I just want to have fun!! Which I think is fair enuff, and tyrone had to agree with that too. But I guess I have to draw the line at my fun and fun that hurts others. L

finally

2005-05-02T14:12:00.000+08:00

finally another post. ive been a little inconsistent with my posts (sorry andrew) haha.
not an awful lot is new thought :-(
still working at jeans west. that has been going ok. i have permanent hours which is good. dont have to worry about having work one week but having none the next. i have a work meeting this afternoon in the city. kind of annoyed that i have to go though, as i only work there once a week but apparently our regional manager is going to be there too so its important. im a little worried as my KPI's werent that great on saturday. but thats too bad, we were too busy to be able to build on our sales.
church is going well. enjoying have culture group at my place on tuesdays. mind you im a bit worried about it this week cos we still dont have a vacuum cleaner at my place and the lounge room floor is all a bit feral atm *puke* so im hoping that no one will notice! i guess ill have to put a vacuum on laybuy or something :-s
still working on getting my license. im going driving on wednesday and after that i should only have 4 more hours to log. so thats good. no real point in stressing over it though as its not like i have a car to drive as soon as i get my license. mind u the sooner i get it, the sooner i can put more money in my car savings account!
havent been going out as much as id like to. funds are not really permitting it. ive had a few nights out, but yeah, as i said, not as much as id like to. it sucks not having enough money to have some fun.
coloured my hair on the weekend its a dark brown now. i like it. looks better when its out and straightened. but yeh, still getting used to it.
i have written one or two blog entries at home on word and wen my adsl gets approved ill load them up onto here.
until then thats all for now

how things change

2005-04-13T13:05:00.000+08:00

well my beloved tyrone has been gone for a week and a half now and well, wot was i worried about? im coping just fine. between uni, church and work i dont have time to worry about it. i miss him though. he called me on saturday which was such a wonderful suprise and that made me miss him lots. but its not killing me. ive just got so much other stuff to focus on right now, uni being the main thing.

i just got home from a few days in harvey. it was nice down there. i stayed at an old friends house up in the hills. its so beauitiful up there. they have 2 horses and 2 cows and there are kangaroo's around. its so peaceful! i got lots of reading and note taking done for an essay thats due next week (yes, its due next week and im still taking notes, NAUGHTY) i caught up with a gf from high school and saw a few of the boys in the streets. i hate to say this, but its such a loser existence. ppl who stay there end up with dead end jobs and if ur female, u get pregnant. its just horrible. my friend from high school, she is working out at Greens (or harvey beef, as the city folk wud know it) and thats ok, cos its good money but she is so smart and shud just be using it as a building block, to earn lots of money b4 moving onto something better. its such a waste. one guy that i saw, he used to be such a huge geek at school and i was always nice to him. he saw me from across the street and came running over and gave me this big whopping hug. gosh he stunk. he was working out at harvey fresh and was as stoned as a driveway! that really saddened me, even the losers are taking drugs now! b4 it was only ever the popular ppl! and then i ran into brendan, he was a real nice guy in highschool, quiet, but real sweet. he seemed pretty good, but i later found out he's into some pretty heavy drugs (i mean, ok his mum died, he has an excuse, but he can do so much better) it was just really quite depressing going into town and seeing how some ppl had turned out :-( but oh well. u get that i spose. ppl dont always turn out the way u expect them to!

it sure is good to be back in the city tho! gosh i love it. i never thought walking into the city train station id feel so much love. haha!
wot really annoyed me was the state of the house wen i got home. b4 i left on saturday i made sure that the kitchen was spotless, i did all my dishes and wiped down all the benches and took out all my crap from the dining and lounge room and put it in my room. that way karen wudnt have to put with my rubbish while i was away. WELLLLL!!!...i got home today, walked into the kitchen and OMG wot a feral disgusting smell! there was rubbish and food everywhere. the lounge room was a real mess too. and it made me so mad. there was a note apolagising, saying that she'd clean it up, well far out, she better, i wudnt touch that in a nuclear safety suit! it just annoyed me cos i dont think its fair to come home from a lil holiday to a pigsty of a house, that u left in clean condition. too bad if i was having lots of friends over tonight.

gosh this is a bit of a complaining whinging blog! hehe. im really not angry or bitter! i am really very happy. :-)

well i must go. gotta go home n eat (somehow in that ugly kitchen) and do some more study (puke)

when friends move on

2005-03-29T19:21:00.000+08:00

my dearest ty-fighter is leaving. on sunday he leaves for south africa for 3 years. he will return every 6 months for a holiday. but a holiday isnt quite the same really. i mean im totally happy for him. this is such a big huge amazing opportunity for him. how many 23 yr olds have the oppurtunity to earn 100k a yr? not many. but he deserves it. he's worked so hard and been thru so much that he deserves a break!

im pretty upset tho :-( he came and visited on monday. i really enjoyed having him over. we didnt do anything major. he came over, we bummed around. we didnt even talk much. which was kind of weird. but we both had alot on our minds i guess and were just enjoying each others company. i know sometimes words dont need to be spoken for friends to have a conversation! then we went to hillary's for lunch. which was really nice. it was totally packed, it being easter monday and all. but the weather was amazing and the water looked beautiful. its a day that will be fixed in my memory for a long time to come. then we got back to my house and we did these personality profiles on each other. that was really funny. comparing wot we thought we were to wot the other person thought we were LOL.

then it was time for him to leave. we gave each other big fat hugs and i gave him a cheeky butt dance as he drove off...then i broke down in tears. it wasnt even our final goodbye...that is coming tomorrow when he's dropping off my lap top. but i just lost the plot. i went into my room and bawled. i just felt so lost and upset. i felt empty. thats a better word. theres a part of my heart that i didnt know existed and it was aching so badly. and it always does when tyrone leaves. i sat down, with the waterworks still pumping and wrote him his goodbye letter. i figured that was a good-a-time as any. id been trying to write it for ages but cudnt write wot i needed too. the letter is fairly long and soppy and teary, but i did it.

then i turned the music up loud, cried some more, then put on my running shoes. i knew i needed to run. running is so theraputic for me. it clears my head and helps me think. i dont know far i ran. it was to the school and back non-stop so im guessing 3 or 4 kms. it felt so good..well it hurt too, but it felt real good. it really did clear my head and help to see things from a different perspective. it clicked in me that for the past 3 years everything has been me...and tyrone. or at least thats how its been in my mind..."i wonder wot tyrone wud think if i did this" or "oh no i cant tell tyrone i did that" or "this reminds me of when tyrone and i..." he had become a HUGE part of my life. and now...its gonna be me, myself and i. and for the first time i felt excited. i had this picture in my mind of a new woman who is self developed and loves life and conquers the world. im not sure if ill be all of those things, but thats wot im aiming for.

i know that when i returned from china this year wud be tough and that it would be a new chapter in my life. but i didnt realise it was going to be tough and be a new chapter in so many different ways.
its gonna be tough, financially as i have new financial goals and a new lifestyle...but now im seeing new challenges, tyrone leaving and my new distance from cara. there are lots of other little things but they are the ones that stand out.
and the new chapter i always just invisioned uni...but i can see now that with tyrone gone and with him being a smaller influence on my life i am gonna develop into a different person. im not saying that tyrones influence was bad, or even incredibly good. im just saying that i will change. and theres no point fearing change, u just gotta embrace it i guess.

im feeling good today. but tomorrow is goodbye. im not sure how ill feel then. id hoped that by now id be all cried out. God knows ive been crying over him leaving every night (not an exaggeration) for the last 2 weeks. but something tells me theres plenty more where those tears came from. :-(

anyway, i guess i should go home...

blah blah

2005-03-09T13:04:00.000+08:00

i went driving today for an hour. i've now logged 11 hours. YAY. only 14 more to go! by the end of next week i will only have 11 more to go! oh that sounds so great. everyone says "just lie" or "you arent REALLY PHSYICALLY logging ALL your 25 hours are you?" fact is, i dont want to lie. i want to do this properly and honestly. as much as logging 25 hours is a complete pain in the butt i can understand and appreciate the reasons for it. im so much more confident when i drive now and ive had some real good experiences.

im @ uni atm. been doing some research for my science experiment, looking for journal articles on australian families and also looking for articles on the process of adding meaning to a childs learning. the first two were very successful but the third is very difficult and ive given up and come here!

last nite i had culture group at my house. despite being exhausted i really enjoyed it. it was interesting to see what my spiritual giftings were (we did a little survey to find out wot they were) it was even more interesting to see what my spiritual giftings WEREN'T!!! mercy was right down the bottom! :-o haha. but helping was at the top. so i guess thats ok! hehe

my first week of uni was great and inspiring. this week has been just plain overwhelming. all of a sudden we are working on assignments, getting behind in readings and feeling confused in lectures. but i know this will pass when i fall into a routine. for now its taking everything in me not to freak out. some of the research i did today did lift some pressure off my shoulders tho which is great.

but yeh, back to culture group. people were all leaving and i walked them out to the carpark where they all were and there was a bunch of us standing around, talking about uni, about china (ruth and i) and just wots been happening in our lives. ruth was the last to leave and we had a nice big hug. as i was walking back up the driveway i thought "wow, i have some great friends". often i reflect on my life how it is now and how it was years ago. im always fascinated about how we just never know how things are gonna turn out. and as i walked up to my beautiful two storey villa i felt so excited. 5 years ago i would never have thought that id be living in perth, near a resort, in a beautiful villa, working for jeans west and going to uni.
makes u wonder where u'll be in another 5 years time! and i wonder how ill look back on my first year at uni?

long time no blog

2005-03-07T10:03:00.000+08:00

been way way to long since i have updated my blog...apolagies to all my worthy followers. hahaha.
well im @ uni, this is my 2nd week and i am just feeling so unbelievably overwhelmed today. i have so much reading to do, so much knowledge to cram in and im not so sure that im doing a very good job of it. i think i missed out on doing a quiz for one of my units, but there is just so much going on that im really just not sure!
ive come to the labs to print off a reading that i need to do so i can complete an out-of-class task that i THINK needs to be done by the next tute...in an hour. and the reading is way too long. i think im just gonna wing it and write it as best i can *eeeeek* i am prolly worrying and stressing way too much tho. i always have been a perfectionist when it comes to school. when i get a B its not good enough, it has to b an A. when i get a distinction its not good enough, it has to be a high distinction. but im going to have to snap out of those unreal expectations for myself becos i know that realistically i wont be able to achieve that in every unit and most people wont, so why beat MYSELF up for something that most other ppl wud struggle to achieve anyway? i guess i need to change my mentality and thinking in some areas of my life!

apart from that all is well. i really am loving uni!! haha. just feeling a little overwhelmed today is all.
had a real busy weekend. worked thurs night, all day friday, 11-4 sat and 1-5 on sunday after church...stupid idea. im totally burnt out, will never do it again. im seriously considering dropping my thursday night shifts so that i can use that time to study so i can enjoy my weekends more. i think it will be worth the $50-$60 that i dont get.

all is going well where im living, still waiting on a washing machine tho *ggrr* REALLY OVER hand washing all my clothes, towels and sheets now. i had a sense of humour about it for a few weeks, but yeh, not any more! hehe.

either way, LG, lifes good. haha. been hunting round madly for a lap top too, comparing prices etc. trying to get the best deal! which is rare for me, i usually see something, like it, get it. i think comparing a prices mite b a good habit for me to get into! help me to stop impulse buying.

i had a friend come over a few weeks ago and do my budget for me. which im so happy about....although it was slightly depressing i must say! but yeh, its helped me to realise how much money i spend on stuff i dont need and stuff that i cant afford and im so much more aware of my cash flow now so its great. i mean, fixing my bad financial habits will take a while, but yeh, this is sure gonna help :-) (thanks anna!)

well i must go, im using this blog as a means to delay writing my reflection for this thing thats due!

so great to be blogging again

wow. things got beta..again!!??!!

2005-01-30T21:13:00.000+08:00

i cant believe it
my life just keeps getting better
right when i think "theres no way you can top this" its like God pokes out his tongue and says "wanna bet?!" haha. today at church we had an anointing service where we all got anointed with oil. i was SO excited about it. i remember last yr i thought it was really strange and my biggest worry was if the oil wud leave a mark on my makeup!! but this year i didnt care. i was pumped cos i knew it wud bring so much blessing on my life. the service was amazing. lauren prayed for me and it was so powerful. i feel it was no mistake that she was the one that prayed for me.
anyway i was getting strongly that i had to buy the sunday times. so when ruth janine was driving me home, she kindly bought it for me! i flicked thru it while i watched a movie and didnt see anything much. then after the movie i got ready to go with the beach with some of the crew from church then got a msg that it had been called off. i looked over at the newspaper on my bed and grabbed it again. on second looks a few places jumped outand i called a few of them. only 2 ppl actually answered. one was a very strange man who asked too many questions and the other was Karen. she invited me to go look at the place today if i cud so i did...earlier today i had a convo with rose (a lady i used to live with) and she said that if i ever needed help checking a place out to give her a ring. so that turned out to b a very important conversation! so i called rose and she drove me down.

the place turned out to be mind blowingly PERFECT!!! its in conolly across the road from a RESORT! i mean wow! now i really DO live in paradise! haha. the place is surrounded in lush gardens and golf courses! the place is a two storey villa. in a complex with a pool. its a 3x2. the lady, Karen, has her own ensuite and she's renting out the other two rooms that will share the other bathroom. the villa is so close to shops and transport and uni. its beyond my comprehension at how perfect it is! im still mesmerised! and i move in on wednesday! im so excited.

i just KNOW that this is God. everything this year has all been God. i prayed and prayed and had faith about uni...and i got in. i wudnt let farid intimidate me about work i prayed, and i got my job back...i told God to bring me a perfect place and trusted him to bring me something at the right time and this has turned out too! i mean WOW wot is next!!!! im just so amazed. so excited at how perfect everything is.
wow
wow
wow!
hahaha

i LOVE my country

2005-01-27T09:52:00.000+08:00

WOW
yesterday was australia day and i had such an amazing and BRILLIANT time!!! I purposefully had no high expectations of how the day would turn out in order to not be disapointed. but i just had so much fun. i chatted with gals, chatted with guys, relaxed in the shade, played cricket in the sun, went for a dozen walks with all different ppl. it was just a such an awesome day. i even got to see ty for a brief moment (drunk as a skunk) all us chickies that car pooled down there made such an amazing effort as far as costumes go. i can not wait to see the photo's! hehe. i think we looked excellent.
sadly i got very burnt. i didnt think it was that bad til i got him and looked in the mirror and thought "carrie...u idiot" i was really pumped about going for a jog this morning too but i cancelled that cos i was in too much pain :-( anyway, back to yest.
one thing that really blew me away was how amazing some of the guys at my church really are. in one day i got to know some of those guys better than i did in all my previous time combined at sunset coast. on the drive home i thought to myself "wow, they really are nice guys" none are bf material but, really good 'mates'. i still cant believe that rick, rob and gaz came and helped us carry our stuff down and find parking spaces and then how they also helped us carry our stuff to our cars after the sky show AND waited with us til we left! how nice! even like, sven, who i always found kind of strange, i now think is cool and a total crack up, just cos of the 10-15 mins we spent hauling an esky together. haha. that was our first decent convo EVER. its always just been small talk. its always been small talk with all of those guys. but now i realise they have characters. haha.
another thing that left me mesmerised was how amazing perth is. its so beauitful. we had such a wonderful view, of the river, the city, kings park, everything. we really live in a paradise. the sunset was truly amazing i had such a lovely time standing with ruth during sunset as we gawked in amazement...and joked like idiots about the stuff going on around us. haha. my ruth janine, she cracks me up. i love her laugh. its so infectious.
the fire works were amazing. i always hav said to myself "if uv'e seen one set of fireworks, u've seen them all"...but now i know im wrong.

i also loved the aussie spirit that u cud feel and see all day. it was thick and unavoidable...aussie flag capes, dresses, tops, mini skirts, everything! us aussies really do get stuck into it! and i think everyone on the foreshore looked great.

WE LOVE OUR COUNTRY!
I LOVE MY COUNTRY!

accepting me.

2005-01-24T09:57:00.000+08:00

im off to work in about 10 mins. but im pretty much all packed n ready so i thought id quickly jump on here. had a good weekend. been spending alot of time with friends from church and im loving it. i always knew they were good company but yeh, spending time with them has been really fulfilling and im enjoying it so much. there is no peer pressure or the feeling of needing to impress. its relaxed and friendly and fun. im really looking fwd to spending australia day with the whole crew at the foreshore. this time last yr i dont think i cud hav imagined anything worse than spending australia day with ppl from church. funny how things/ppl change.
ive started reading this book called "purpose driven life" and im really enjoying it. its a 40 day 'spiritual journey' and today was about how im no accident and god planned everything. he created me. and the question to consider was: "I know God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background and physical appearance am i struggling to accept?"
that really pierced my heart. i have no issues with my personality or background but my physical appearance really does bother me. i hate my freckles, i wish i had bigger boobs and my butt is too wobbly!! i cud also do with losing at least 2 kilo's. but its my freckles that get to me the most. becos they make me so abnormal. i would do ANYTHING to not have freckles and just be like everyone else. but...i guess this morning when i read that i realised that i God gave me freckles. and i shouldnt bring down wot God gave me. they arent going away and i just have to learn to see them as a feature im priveldged to have. which wont happen over night. but i can see now that i need to just accept how i am. afterall, everyone else does!

the week in summary

2005-01-22T23:44:00.002+08:00

well its hard to believe that ive been back in australia for a week. my time in china feels like it almost didnt happen. it feels so far away, but it was only a week ago. A WEEK! so much has happened not just, thru situations but also in my mind. where do i even begin!?

well, i arrived in perth last saturday. i remember the flight from bris to perth...i checked my watch every 10 mins to half an hour to see how long it was til i arrived. i was gonna b seeing tyrone for the first time in 7 months and i was so pumped. more pumped about that than anything! as i walked out of the little hall way and into arrivals i searched for his face but didnt see it...so i kept walking, assuming he wasnt there yet. but he was. he was standing away from the ground, grinning. im not sure if he was grinning at me trying to find him or if he was happy to see me. haha. either way i didnt care i was so happy to see him :-)

sunday was my first day back at church. my beautiful ruth janine picked me up. i was so nervous. and i wasnt really in the mood for being interogated with questions...thankfully tho all the questions were the same and i gave the same answers, over and over again. it felt so right to be back.
sunday night cara and i went out (wow it was so good to b hanging out with her again) we went to a sunday a session in scarborough. got a lil bit tipsy but had a good time together. good laughs all round.

monday i called Farid at jeanswest and got my job back WOO HOO!!! i was so happy about that. so i went into claremont, signed the paper work and bought some work clothes. i then went into the city and bought some new shoes..so cute.

tuesday..hmm let me think.. im pretty sure i went and had lunch with ruth janine and anna..yeh i did! at hillary's. WOW. its so gorgeous at hillary's boat harbour. i forgot how amazing it is. u truly do need to b plucked from paradise before u realise that you were ever in it! perth is such an amazing and gorgeous city, i dont know how ppl cud live anywhere else. it felt like god was really showing off his creation that day to show me that perth was where i needed to be, its where my future lies for now.
after that i met up with julie, the lady i used to live with and i saw jack and her hubby erin too. that was nice. so good to see them all again!

hmm, wednesday, wot did i do?.... um. i know i went shopping. i think. gosh wots wrong with me. im getting tired. i know wednesday night i caught up with jay boy and we had a coffee. i cant remember the rest. HAHA.

thursday was my birthday. i turned 20..so hard to believe. i went and had my hair done (which i didnt end up liking) then i had lunch with my friend Lisa, then she dropped me off at work and i worked from 2-9pm. yep,,worked on me birthday! but i was ok with that. i knew that if i wasnt working i wudnt b doing anything anyway so it was prolly best.

friday i went to the hairdressers again to get my hair fixed! got more blonde put thru. so that was good. it looks MUCH better now! its a real dark rich brown with chunks of blonde thru the top. yay! then i worked at whitfords from 10:30-5pm. i got home and started getting ready. ty and i went out for dinner (for my bday). it was delicious. i bought a new outfit just for the occasion. a cute black mini and a green racer-back that had lace on the back and a pin on flower and i got this hot matching green clutch and i wore my black stileto's and some fake tan! haha. it looked pretty good if i do say so myself..lol and tyrone said he "rated the kit" we went to the GBT after dinner. didntstay too long. i kinda chuckeda bit of a sad at ty cos he wudnt dance. so we left and went back to my place. we hung out and chatted for a few hours. it was 1am wen he left. he's so precious. he got me this lovely card. about friendship. it really touched me. he gave me $100 and 100 rand (south african money) "for when you visit me in south africa"...haha. cheeky boy. reckons its only 1/2 my present tho and that he didnt have time to buy me wot he had in mind..hhmm mysterious! so we shall see.

today was ok. i was up at 6:30am. just automatically. i didnt have to work which was pretty cool. i got up, checked my email umm...then fi got up. we played with the dogs a bit. then we cleaned up the spare room so that i now have a sitting room for wen friends come over. then we went for a drive (i drove...yay) then we had lunch. then i hada nap. then i did some washing, then ruth janine picked me up at round 5:30pm and we went down the beach and met up with some ppl from church and we went for a run. i really enjoyed it. it totally wore me out hey, my calf muscles were like jelly. running on the sand is such hard work. i remember i had the BIGGEST outfit dilemna. i wanted to wear my new pink short-shorts. but i was like "no, ppl will think im a tart and that its innappropriate to wear clothes like that if ur a christian" which i guess is rediculous but i was really worried. then i thought, "stuff this, i wear clothes like this, and i happen to like them, and the worst that cud happen is to have ppl talk about me behind my back so if ppl wanna talk about my choice of clothing behind my back they can! im not gonna change who i am to pls other ppl!!" and that was that. turned out some of the girls liked them. haha. gosh i worry too much.
so yeh, the jog was awesome fun. hopefully i can go with the crew more often.
then after that some of the girls came back to my place and we watched a chick flick and ate popcorn and chocies and lollies. it was real nice.
but right about now i am so tired.

for some strange reason tho im feeling a little hollow. and i dont know wot it is. like something is missing. part of me feels a little sad. it has been for the last couple of days but ive supressed in an effort to stop it from overcoming me. i dont know wot it is, or why its rising up inside me.

things really hav been going so amazing for me tho. getting my job back, getting into uni! OH YEH! thats wot happened on wednesday! i got into uni! haha. so yeh i really am so happy. i guess with such an amazing positive start to the year its got me thinking how amazing the rest of the year will be and wondering wot will come of 2005. i wonder where ill end up living? i wonder if ill meet a nice guy? i wonder how ill feel come new years 2006. will i have a sense of completion and happiness? i hope so. cos things really are looking up for me. and im so happy.

blog from jan 13th 2005

2005-01-18T19:29:00.000+08:00

wrote this "blog entry" in a notebook while in transit at osaka airport on the 13th of jan....

Emotions truly are surpisingly unpredictable and way beyond our control. while packing yesterday, while sleeping last night, white travelling to the aiport today...i felt nothing. it didnt feel like i was leaving AT ALL. i felt no excitement no sadness, i felt nothing. All i felt was confussion for why i was feeling nothing! So I'm not sure if that counts..haha. Even when we were checking my bags and getting my boarding pass i turned to Mum and said "It doesnt feel like I'm leaving." She just smiled.

5 minutes later though, it was time to say goodbye. I think my heart went into shock when mum said "Well Carrie, this is as far as we can go with you sorry." i was like "oh no". We took some photo's nad i cud feel the sadness welling up inside me and overwhelming feelings of loss emptied me right out. Shani was the first one i hugged goodbye and that was it...the tears started flowing. i couldnt let go of her. I couldnt believe it. THIS WAS IT. that 4 n a half to five months had come and gone too quickly for me to be able to do anything except freak out at the end of it. i cried more and more as i said bye to jon and Dad and finally, mum :-( Dad said over and over to remember to never be afraid to ask if i need anything. Mum didnt really say anything just hugged me and said she loved having me around.

I headed my way up the escalators to go through immigration before getting to the waiting room. Going up that escalator was so painful and the tears flowed so much. i waved my last goodbyes and blew them all kisses...then cried all the way through immigration and the security checks.

Mum had bought an 'IC card' so i could call her mobile when i got through to let them know that i was all good. i was still so upset and called them still in tears. i could hardly speak. eventually i settled down and spoke to everyone again. i guess for about 10 mins. i hung up the fone and burst into tears again. i went to the bathroom to try and compose myself then wen i went and st in the waiting room i pulled out a letter that shani had written for me. deep down i knew she'd write me a note..it was so sweet. and yep...it made me cry. the staff must have thought i looked rediculous.

eventually i boarded the plane, it was much bigger than i thought it would be and we got our own individual TV"S! AWESOME! i enjoyed flying over Dalian but it seemed like just one or two minutes before land was nolonger visable and it was water as far as the eye could see. once all land was out of site i felt like a huge hole had formed inside me. China truly does own a peice of me.

I saw a little bit of South Korea. it was very mountainous - beautiful. Here i am now though, in Osaka, Japan. The time is at least going fast. its 6:30pm. my flight leaves at about 9:25pm. tired to get on the internet before but they were all taken. ill go looking for a free one soon. i'm aching to email mum,dad, jon n shani. i miss them SO much at the moment. i know that if we were together now jon and shani and i would be laughing at our own stupid jokes. Dad would be sighing impatiently and mum would be fussing - over everything!

Gosh i miss them :-( :-( :-(

time is running short

2005-01-10T15:26:00.000+08:00

wow. today is monday. i leave thursday. so hard to believe.i spent this past thurs,fri,sat and part of sun guessing wot id be doing on those days next week. and i knew my predictions wud b fairly right...thursday: flying, friday:with ben, saturday:with tyrone, sunday morning:church...but after church on sunday morning i have no idea whats next!

but then, will what ive generally predicted b right? will i spend saturday night crying? or will i stay up all night talking to fi? or will someone convince to go out and have a big night? who knows. im not scared. im excited. im a lil nervous i guess. about work mostly. this is a new chapter for me. will be interesting to see how it all unfolds thats for sure.

and ive started to realise that my goodbye will not just be for my family and friends that are here physically in china, but also the few good friends ive made online. there are some ppl that i chat to on msn every day and ive come very accustomed to chatting with them. being there for each other when we're happy or sad. will be weird not being able to talk to them. but some of us have exchanged numbers etc so we can sms/call. so not everything is lost :-)

i know that saying bye to my family is gonna b so tough and that im not planning on wearing ANY eye makeup cos im gonna bawl my eyes out. its even gonna b hard to leave behind Kai Fai Qu and down town Dalian. yesterday i was down town doing some shopping and i knew it wud b the last time id b in there b4 i leave and i felt such a sadness leaving the city centre. i have some good memories there - mostly involving dan.

im so excited!

closure

2005-01-07T22:33:00.000+08:00

i got a reply from dan today.
gosh my heart stopped when i saw that reply sitting in my inbox.
he said that meeting me was one of the highlights of his year and that he does like me but given the short time frame we've had to get to know each other he's still unsure of what he REALLY feels.
also that i made him sound like this great guy and was glad that i didnt have the chance to get to know him better and realise that he was just a regular guy, like other guys ive known, and feel disapointed. then he talked about me meeting a person perfect for me in oz and wish me luck with everything.

a HUGE weight has lifted off my shoulders. last night i was discussing how upset i was with my friend andy. in the end i had to leave cos i was so upset. i went upstairs to my room, locked the door behind me and bawled. every sweet memory felt so sour. but now, all those sweet memories are sweet again and despite that period of extreme heartache i have no regrets anymore and im looking back at it all with a smile.

its funny tho...i got that email from dan and i realised i felt relieved...that he wasnt declaring his love for me...i realised im so not ready for something like that. im not ready for love. im not ready for something that serious...hell im ACHING to get back to australia and run a muck...u cant do that wen ur attached. im just not ready.

gosh its so weird how my emotions switched right over so quickly. and now i can get on with my life and stop feeling sorry for myself!!!!!
so..talking about my life...wot else has been happening with me apart from being hung over about a guy?

it snowed the other day!!!!!!!!! oh my! it was beautiful!!! on wednesday night it was...it got a lil heavy but only like ankle deep at most. we were at a friends house and on the way home it was snowing and it felt so lovely. so pretty. it was so cute...jon was doing run ups and skidding across the pavement..typical! boys cant help themselves! i was writing my name in the snow. and then...it started...SNOW BALLS!!!!! jon and i had a snow ball fight. he kicked my arse. i wasnt wearing any gloves, so after two measly little snow balls i cudnt feel my fingers anymore. actually, i thought they were pretty good sized ones, until i saw the boulder-sized snow balls jon was making! hahaha. he was wearing gloves tho so it wasnt fair!!! i got showered with them. haha. gosh i was in tears of laughter.

the other news thats headlining is my departure...its 5 days from now. hard to believe that ive been here nearly 4 and a half months...so weird. its gone so unbelievably fast. so much has happened. i hope that im a better person. tonite mum and i had the night together...everyone else was off doing their own thing. so we went shopping. that didnt last long cos it was outside shopping and all the streets are still iced over and cold and VERY slippery. we ended up going to pizza hut for dinner - which is a novely here in china. and i cud feel mum feeling so wound up and anxious about me leaving. so sad. i cud hardly make eye contact with her. she knows im excited about going back..i dont think she realises how truly sad i am tho. *sigh* oh the sadness of life sometimes!!

i guess the good thing is..i feel there is a song for every emotion, every sadness ive felt, every happiness, every peice of lust or love...which means im not alone in my pain or confusion, it means someone else has felt it too.

nothing to u

2005-01-07T10:14:00.000+08:00

"I am everything u want

i am everything u need

i am everything inside of u

that you wish u cud be

i say all the right things

at exactly the right time

but i mean nothing to you

and i dont know why."

on a much brighter note...

2005-01-04T19:10:00.000+08:00

well i wont let a man bring me down
i have been really blessed by the people around me. friends of my parents, that are also friends of mine have been giving me money for when i got back to australia. i wont say how much - but its alot more than i cud ever have imagined.
turns out i had NOTHING to worry about when it came to my financial position when i returned and im so happy that i can return to australia care free and know that i have plenty of money for a while.
wow. i guess this is something good that i should really focus on, rather than letting silly little things bring me down.

the cold shoulder

2005-01-04T18:29:00.000+08:00

well maybe sometimes being honest and sharing how you really feel isnt always the best option. i dont know if what i wrote scared him or maybe he just doesnt feel the same but yeh im convinced dan is not at all interested.
today i spoke to him online for like a minute cos i logged on just as he was leaving (apparently, altho now im not convinced of the truth in that) we said hi and then he said that he'd received my email but hadnt yet had time to reply and that he was sorry. i wasnt too bothered about that. i said that i was sorry that it was a little heavy and he said 'heavys ok'. then he said that i had bad timing and he was just on his way out to an apointment. he said he'd email me soon, and with that he was gone.

during my class today i was thinking of that short conversation. and i realised that if dan really felt the same as i did, he wud have said "hey i got ur email and i feel the same way! but sorry i gotta run, chat soon..." ...or something along those lines. i mean i wasnt sitting there obsessing over the conversation, but yeh, that thought just kinda popped into my head. the fact that he said nothing kind of says to me that he plans on breaking it to me gently, or never breaking it to me at all.

so yeh, anyway i just came online then. and i saw that dan was online. but i didnt talk to him straight away. i logged onto my email then went to say hello, but...he was gone. my heart sunk. it seems to me as tho he left, cos i came online. i mean that only screams one thing doesnt it? maybe im jumping to conclusions..maybe he needs time to think it all thru and is avoiding me while he gets his head in order. but i doubt it :-(

*sigh* im so confused about this. im sitting here thinking "what happened to the dan i knew? or thought i knew?" this is just so weird. 3 weeks ago this was not a one sided thing. in fact he initiated every 'move' that was made pretty much. so that to me says that he was interested and that he was pursuing me. i was so sure that he wasnt using me as he seemed to respect me at times where most men wud use the situation to their advantage...i.e...me sleeping in his bed, but him sleeping in an entirely different apartment so i didnt feel uncomfortable.

it just makes no sense and i dont know wot i did to deserve this cold shoulder. im not sad enuff to cry. but i am hurt. i feel so betrayed and VERY confused. WOT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG!?

men are so hard to read and understand. just when u think u've found a good one...

ouch---> yet the pain was to be expected

2005-01-03T21:48:00.000+08:00

*sigh* well the inevitable has come to pass..as predicted by many. well in a way it has. today i got an email from dan saying that he wont b back from hong kong til march. cos he planned to go south on holidays later next week anyway and this weekend he's going to indonesia with his dad to help prep for the arrival of medical teams there.

i was heart broken. i cant believe i dont get to say goodbye to him. i cant believe that i will most likely never seem him again...my hot, sexy dark angel as i once called him. haha. if i had of known that the last time i saw him was gonna b the last time i saw him..well, i wuda kissed him and said something special. :-( instead we hugged smiled and said we'd see each other later...but we never did 'see each other later'.so yeh. im sad. i went to my room and had a good cry. i felt so frustrated and upset. upset that i didnt get to say goodbye and frustrated that his email didnt contain an 'i miss u' or 'sorry we didnt get to say goodbye'. not really a good sign. but what am i saying? wot wud have been a good sign? its such a dead end. secretly i hope that he'll decide to re-locate to australia or something. but its such a far-fetched day dream.

anyway. since one of my "i wills" was not to b afraid of "love" i emailed him back and told him how i felt. simply because i know its important and ill always regret it if i dont tell him. i've copied and pasted parts of my email here - i guess as a reminder that i did what i could to make sure dan knew how special he was to me and that i have nothing to regret. just good memories to enjoy...

"well, i wont lie to you dan im so sad that i dont get to see you before i go. sad that i dont get to say a proper goodbye to you. but i guess thats life and you cant have everything you want. i feel i have so much to say to you but dont even know where to start. its not really my style to have a 'discussion' like this via email but im not gonna see you face to fave prolly ever again so i guess i dont have much of a choice. gosh, dan i really like you. i know you know that. i know ive told you. but i guess im saying it again cos i feel i need to and ill regret it for the rest of my life if i dont.

i think your so amazing. from the first time i saw u i felt like, like i was on air. you make me smile and leave me smiling for hours after ive seen you. i just cant explain the way u uplift me. your the most special guy i have ever met.in fact id convinced myself that men like you didnt exist. haha. i know that in all reality im still getting to know u, but thats my impression of you so far. i hate that i cant have you. i hate that we had to meet under such circumstances and i hate that ill never see you again. it tears me into shreds. everything about u sweeps me off my feet...the way u look at me, the way u rub my fingers when you hold my hands, the way u kiss...DAMN ur kisses drive me so crazy.

anyway.i dont know what i honestly expected us to amount to. my best friend told me over and over that this wud end with me going my way and u going urs and i always knew he was right but basically i shut the horrible thought out and enjoyed every moment i could with you.im not putting this on you for any reason. i just..ive been so afraid to say anything to you about how i felt but i feel if i dont ill really kick myself. i dont expect you to have anything to say back to any of this..so dont feel like you owe me anything. i know that you have prolly met girls alot more interesting and 100 times more beautiful than me.

i never intended to fall for u dan. but i did. im sorry i cudnt help it
im going to miss you so much. pls, pls keep in contact..."

2004 in reflection and review

2005-01-01T16:47:00.000+08:00

well its hard to believe thats its finally 2005. my new years was very uneventful. i spent it at home. well, we went out for hot pot which was lovely. and i shouted everyone a sundae from macca's. when we got home we played cards and then 'the party'...died! i went upstairs and continued with my addiction to "24" until about 30 seconds to midnight when everyone shouted out for me. so i ran downstairs as we had about 5 different countdowns cos every clock and every watch in the house had different times. haha. that was pretty funny. as i walked back upstairs i started to REALLY reflect on 2004...as you do on new years eve. i realised that this time last year i wasnt even 'with it' i had passed out. certainly a very different new years to this one. i still cant believe that stupidly i drunk myself into a flopping, spewing wreck. ill never do that again...
so what was 2004 a bout? what happened? what did i do?
hmm, well i had...1 bf? yeh, i bf..gosh. i was about to write 3...but that was 2003..i think. hahaha. gosh. the years are all melting together.
but the one man i dated, his name was Neale. we didnt last though. we only dated for a week or two. i met him thru a friend from yr 12. they worked together. he was my hight, bleeched blonde hair, nice body, gorgeous smile beauitful blue eyes...total sweety really. it was really total bliss with him. but as much as i liked him, he seemed to like me alot more. and soon marriage was being indirectly referred to, so i broke up with him. ill always hold him close to my heart though. and he helped me realise that i deserve a good man. he always treated me like such a princess. i remember on valentines day he had planned something but wudnt tell me!! it was a saturday and we were sposed to meet after i finished work. but he called about 4pm and said "wow u look gorgeous today"...and there he was, standing at the door! haha. i was so suprised. we went back to my place after work finished and i got changed. he took me to the movies and then we went back to his, he picked something up and we walked down to hillaries. he took me up to his favourite place. its a lookout that i didnt even know existed. and you can see all down the south coast line. it was so beautiful. we sat down and out of his back pack came a bottle wine, two wine glasses and a chicken salad that he had made himself!!!! it was so romantic and i was so impressed. we deffinately werent meant for each other cos we are just so different. but yeh, he helped me 'raise the bar' haha.

hmm, work was also very significant. i applied for uni and demoted myself to casual when i found out that id gotten into the UPC course. however i still had good hours. ill always love jeanwest. as much as the pressure drives me nuts sometimes...sales pressure is so rediculous sometimes. but i love dressing ppl up! and even though ive had my fair share of horrible customers i was always blessed with LOVELY customers too. i remember an elderly lady came back with a box of chocolates once to thank me, a middle aged lady also bought me a block of chocolate and a mother and daughter also called both my manager and regional manager AND wrote a letter to say how awesome i was...i mean im not trying to brag (altho i was very proud) but ppl like that, make everything worth it. its so nice to be appreciated.

then there was uni. oh how i really just LOVED my time at uni! i made some pretty good friends. met some really precious young ppl. was always interesting watching the kids that were fresh out of highschool...they were so convinced that it still mattered if u were cool or not. i really enjoyed most of my lecturers and tutors. they were nice ppl and as much as the pressure drove me a lil nuts at times (specially my maths unit - thank god for tyrone) i really did just love my course and love the time there. i spent alot of time studying and researching in the library and also in the labs and when it came time to leave as the end of the course i was sad - because ecu had really become my home. my santuary. i felt safe there. and i felt like i was doing something important. so yeh, my time at uni was special.

then of course...theres my time in china! wow. wot an experience this has been! so much as happened. i got some photo's developed to take home with me the other day...278 photo's! haha..all totally brilliant memories. which is why this time has been so special here, cos the memories are great..happy, interesting, inspirational and funny too!

tyrone...as usual tyrone is always a big part of my life cos he's so much help and he's so precious to me. sadly 7 months of this year we have been away from each other...actually prolly more like 8. yet he has still been the best of friends to me!!

sunset coast christian life centre...my church. altho its not a place of perfection it sure is amazing and the ppl there are so lovely. i started out on tea and coffee there then started ushering -which i really enjoyed. then i joined choir too and started to run bookshop and also teach at club180. it was nice to get involved. i will admit sometimes though, serving was so overwhelming and drove me a little nuts. but when you look at the bigger picture it really is great to be able to play a part in the operation of a place that supplies so much support and no job is more important than the other. but yeh, sunset coast has had a pretty big input on my life this year.

hhmmm, wot else. well, ill be honest. sadly, my new years experience didnt entirely put me off drinking. i dont ill ever 'give up' drinking. its something i enjoy but there were a few times last year where i really just pushed the button a little hard. and in some ways i think im lucky that i didnt end up in a hospital getting my stomach pumped. so i guess, its a year that did teach me something...it just took a few times for it to get thru to my head! :s

i spent alot of last year working on getting my license. which was one hell of an effort. hahaha. for 2 years in a row my new years resolutions have been "get a license and get a car" but so far..nothing! haha. however i passed my phase one test last yr not long b4 i came to china. so now all i have to do is log some hours and pass one more test and ill b on my P's!

in 2004 i kissed too many different men. specially considering that i only had one bf! being out in nightclubs, drinking, or even not drinking (!) i wud end up on that dance floor in the arms of someone who i barely knew and end up kissing some mr nobody. then running off....and finding another mr nobody! without really even thinking about that. i guess one VERY good thing and very healthy thing, was putting an end to my casual relationship with tyrone. (i did one thing right)

one thing i have come to realise...due to a friend bringing it to my attn...although ive never been afraid to like someone and have a good flirt..i am afraid to let them fully into my life. that was proven in the way i dumped neale for talking about marriage. i freaked out. not cos i dont want commitment, but because im afraid to fall in love. im afraid to go out of my way and show my TRUE feelings, cos, lets face it. the last time i did that i got screwed right over. i took a risk, thought it was real but it was all just a load of crap. even when i havent been totally honest about my feelings ive been screwed over too. my friend shane made me see yesterday that using my past hurts, as a reason to not fall for some one is such a joke. and not fair on the men that i will meet in the future. and he's so right.
as far as dan is concerned...its like, i pretty much know its a dead end. yet i feel he should know how i truly feel. but im too afraid to tell him. to afraid that he doesnt feel the same, too afraid that saying how i fell will make me feel it even stronger. but shane is right. i cant leave without telling him...but im so afraid...

so...in light of last year. i have ruled out any new years resolutions. they dont work they are crap.
instead...i have compiled a list of "i will's...." these may end up being just as unsuccessful and just as crappy as the resolutions. haha...but i hope they become more like goals than resolutions....

*i WILL get my license
*i WILL not fear love
*i WILL not kiss strangers!!!
*i WILL date the right man/men
*i WILL try harder to be a better christian
*i WILL value my friendships more and work harder with them
*i WILL put in a bigger effort as far as family in concerned
*i WILL be more responsible with money
and...
*i WILL...never forget dan.

happy new year.

stupid america

2004-12-30T11:04:00.000+08:00

hmm. i feel like i havent written anything on here for ages...but its only been since christmas.which was....only 5 days ago. somehow it feels like weeks ago. but alot of things can change in 5 days. hell, alot of things can change just in one day - as they did with the fate of many ppl in asia. although we have had no television coverage of the tsunami disaster my father and i have followed the reports closely on google news. in a way im thankful that i havent seen any visual news updates. i dont think i cud handle the images of all that destruction and waste. just reading about it is terrible. what amazes me is how blessed australia is. a friend was telling me that due to the way the earthquake shifted the tectonic plates the waves shud have actually come towards australia...but they didnt. they went in the opposite direction! i mean im not happy about that entirely, because alot of people have still lost their lives so its still a terrible thing, but i am so thankful that australia was kept safe. its not just that though...a few days prior to the earthquakes and tsunamis in asia there was also an earthquake between australia and antarctica that measured 8.1 and reportedly shook tasmania. tsunami's were an expected aftermath of this, and they would have swept the south of australia and devestated tasmania...but they never came. to me, that is amazing. that is not coincidence, not in my books anyway. australia - my beautiful country just cant come that close to disaster and escape it-twice, just thru coincidence. we truly are a blessed nation and i think God really protected us. because we are a christian nation. thats my views anyway.

i just really hope that the death toll ceases to rise and stops real soon. everytime i log on to read an update the death toll seems to have risen to an unimaginable number. its so heart breaking. mind, wot u found more heartbreaking was the top news headline this morning...."Tsunami Disaster Relief: How America Can Prove It's Not 'Stingy'" i was so disgusted. in the middle of a disaster, while people starve, while people die, america decides to sit there and talk about how they are not stingy with their funds. the article itself was both interesting and appalling. it was interesting that america had only donated $15 million until ppl started to declare that america was stingy...then they donated an extra $20 million - clearly just to keep face. what a joke. america is such a joke. half the article was about how this is an opportunity for america to show the world that they care. here is some of the article... "Why hasn't the Bush administration shown some imagination in convincing the world that Americans really care...Especially these days, a dramatic proposal to assist victims of mass catastrophe might also improve our country's tarnished image in many places in the world"
that makes me so mad. clearly they DO NOT care. how dare they use this disaster to improve their "tarnished image". now is just not the time!!!! trust america to use disaster to their advantage. at the end of the article there is a place where you can leave a comment..a fellow aussie left this comment: "...If the US spent just a fraction of the money it does bombing and killing innocent people all over the world, on overseas aid instead, it would prove to be a far better way to prevent terrorism. When is the U.S. going to wake up to the reason why they are so hated? Also my government blindly follows yours. I am becoming ashamed to be Australian, as I am sure many Americans are to be US citizens."

i cudnt agree more with his comment. america doesnt mind spending billions on a war that kills innocent ppl,yet when it comes to a TRUE disaster money is only donated to prove they arent stingy. i mean really america, u need to get your crap together. this is so appalling.
i guess im feeling extra mad at america cos the other day i watched "fahrenheit 9/11" i highly recommend that documentary. far out. the things that go on are just unbelievable sometimes. it opened my eyes that you dont have to be a communist government to be corrupt. there was some really scary footage in it too. especially the footage of how buddy-buddy bush is with the saudi's and also the lucrative business deals that bush has had with the bin laden family. money truly rules everything and everyone. it disgusts me. but the footage that sent chills up my spine was of the bahavior of some of the soldiers in iraq. they say ppl return from a place like that totally mucked up inside, but some of these men were mucked up b4 they even arrived. they were showing how the soldiers can play music in their tanks. and the sound feeds thru their helmets, or something. but basically it enabled them to have "background" music while they killed. it was like wot motivated them...two of their favourites were "the roof is on fire" and "let the bodies hit the floor" one of the soldiers says to the camera something about how he loved the song (the roof is on fire) they listened to it while they burnt down and blew up buildings. the same soldier was later shown singing the words..."we dont need no water, let the mother F***er burn....burn mother f****er, BURN!!!!" far out. it was so chilling listening to him sing that. he really didnt give a crap that he killed innocent civillians while he sung along to that stupid song. then they showed footage of shootings and building getting blown upwhile they played "let the bodies hit the floor" in the back ground. it was really quite horrific. then to top it all off the documentary shows dead, innocent bodies. thats when i lost it. i cudnt hold back. they also showed a lady who had totally lost it,cursing america, saying how her family is dead. she was standing on the rubble of her uncles house and screaming out there was no militants there, only innocent civilians. it really broke my heart. im sure it didnt break bushes tho.

why do such horrible things happen? *sigh*

anyway. hmm, apart from that i have just been taking it easy. my flights home are all booked and confirmed. i started the first of my goodbyes last nite which was a real shock. mr haynes is going to the states on saturday for 2-3 months. so i had to say bye to him, it made me sad. he's such a nice guy. far out. not long left here now. there is so much to look fwd to yet i feel like im leaving so much behind as well. the other night shani stayed over a friends. her and i share a room and going to bed that night i felt so alone without her. made me think how lonely its gonna b when i first get back. i really have become accustomed to her company during those last few moments b4 i fall asleep.

havent heard much from dan. i had an email from him on xmas day which made me happy but thats it. he said he'd call wen he got back from hong kong, but he hasnt called. i msged him to see wot he's doing on new yrs eve but he hasnt written back. i dont really know wot to think about all this. seems like its all over b4 it even had a chance to begin. im sad. i really like him. i dont know wot to do about it really. part of me is thinking "maybe somethings happened to him, maybe he's lost his fone or is just really really busy" but it takes 30 seconds to reply to a message and 2 mins to make a call...but i think deepdown i know, ive been given the flick.

well thats enuff for now.

wot a great christmas

2004-12-25T19:25:00.000+08:00

wow
this was the best christmas i've ever had. by a long shot. christmas eve in itself wasnt a bad day. i was such a bum. i was in my pj's til about 4-5 in the afternoon. haha. shani had gone into town to do some caroling. dad got home from work about 6:30 -7. so jon, mum, dad and i sat down for a game of monopoly. and what a laugh that was. it was just so funny. if u asked me WHAT was funny i cudnt even tell you. but we were just constantly laughing. i think the only game of monopoly ive played with my family that didnt end in an argument! i even got along with dad really well! which is rare these days.
after monopoly jon, shani and i went into jon's room and watched a few episodes of "24" then went to bed about 1pm. as i was cleaning my teeth b4 going to bed i longed for that feeling that you have wen your a child. that buzz you get on christmas eve where u cant sleep and ur insides are going everywhere and u just wanna do a crazy dance cos ur just SOOO excited that tomorrow is christmas and your gonna get some cooool presents! i mean sure, i was excited..but i didnt have that same "buzz".

funny thing is, i set the alarm for 9:30am christmas morning..but at 8:30 i was so excited i couldnt sleep anymore! haha. so i got up, washed my face, got dressed, made my bed and made my way down stairs.
eventually we coaxed jon downstairs. it was a fair effort though. he's usually not out of bed til like 11am at the earliest (bum..haha) while waiting for him to come down though, i thought id check my email, to see if i had any christmas wishes! and i did! from my 3 favourite men..haha. tyrone, jay and dan. so that made me really happy...especially to hear from dad since ive hardly heard from him all week. it was a major suprise to hear from him, since he's never emailed me b4. he's in hong kong for christmas. so yeh, that really made my day and put a HUGE smile on my face!

we all sat down and jon handed out our presents one by one. i got spoilt rotten. it was so weird to get so many presents. im used to getting like 2 or 3 from friends etc. so it was kinda weird to be given so much. i bought jon a shirt, some lip balm for men and a teddy that he liked (no he's not a wuss but for some reason he liked this so i got it for him). i got shani a back pack. i got mum a shirt. and i pitched in for dads fry pan and new wallet. i got: *a pink headband *perfume *jewelry box *photo album *photo frame *australian money *a ring *a cow toy *cow pj's *matching hat and scarf *matching toe socks and gloves.
so yeh. i was truly blessed with alot of stuff that i wasnt expecting at all!

after that i grabbed the cordless and made my way upstairs to make some fone calls. on xmas eve i had phoned julie. that was a really great fone call. got to speak to jack and even kristian! was great to hear kristians voice, gosh he had so many questions. and none of them cud believe that it had gotten as cold as -16 here. mind u, even i find it hard to believe. so yes, anyway. i called jay boy! was great to hear his voice. had a quick chat to lisa too. then i called cara. i had such a scream talking to her. she puts the biggest smile on my fact. i swear i was grinning from ear to ear and i was filling her in on all the dan gossip and we were giggling. hehe. so cute, so great to speak to my friends on christmas!

we had bacon and eggs for bfast and played a little game of cards b4 we started having showers and getting ready to go over our friends for christmas lunch and a 'party'. thank god for make up. thats all i can say. and god i love revlon. hahah. i gotta say, i scrubbed up alright today. nothing more miraculous than a good cover up. haha.

we finally got the our friends place. we hada few foreign families and some children from the orphanage. we had quite a spread for lunch! spaghetti and meatballs, potato bake, chicken and dumplings, pork and apple sauce and of course...some chinese dishes! hehe. i was sat next to wu li chun...a girl from the orphanage and she HATES western food. haha. and i was getting her to try some stuff, but no way, she didnt like it at all. i gave her some pork, then put apple sauce on it and she was horrified! she cudnt believe we put apple on pork! haha. so cute. needless to say i ended up with most of her food. haha. she's so cute.

after lunch came dessert. and i didnt hold back. haha. we had rum balls (thanks mum!), chocolate covered strawberries, chocolate covered nuts, peanut-butter bombs, no bake cookies and trifle! mum made the trifle and DAMN it was gooood!!! so yeh, i stuffed myself silly til i was almost sick. haha. it was all so good i cudnt stop.

after lunch, once we all managed to move...haha. we made our way to the lounge room and exhanged presents..we did like a little secret santa thing. thats wen i got my matching hat and scarf-pink. hhe. love em. they are great. then ed go out his guitar and we sung some christmas carols...which was good for a laugh. we all sucked. but i think it was the first time i really sung christmas carols with all my heart and dwelt on the meaning of them. it was a nice moment with all those special ppl around me.

then the rippies had to go, as they were working out at the orphanage tonight and then after that we didnt get back into the carols which was a shame. after that we just kinda sat around and talked. the kids did some pranks and played some games...they provided some good entertainment actually.

after a while though i started to get pretty bored. jon shani and i made up some lame story that we were tired and bailed at like 7:30. haha. but truth was, we were dying of boredom!

so yeh, here we are. jon and shani are throwing things at each other. haha. idiots. all in all it was just a great day. there were lots of great moments. dad was even tolerable. i made a promise to myself that i wud put up with him and not snap at him. and i did pretty well! i dont i snapped at him at all...altho i did make one or two smart arse comments.

sadly it didnt snow :-( i was really hoping for a white christmas...instead the sun came out. haha. typical! was still cool tho, -8 degrees. maybe -10. nothing colder though...but maybe later tonite it will get even colder, id image so. will prolly get around -12, -15. hard to believe that im writing that without passing out. ive somehow come to accept that, thats the weather here. and i have to live with it!

hmmm, dan said he got me a christmas present in hong kong..i wonder wot it is? hehe. its so weird..somehow, not hearing much from him has made me develop stronger feelings for him...hardly fair. was talking to cara about it this morning. my heart breaks thinking about leaving him behind. tyrone has said just to enjoy the time i spend with him. and i will, most deffinately. part of me wants to ask him to come to australia when he finishes here in china. but part of me doesnt want to in case he actually says yes. haha. and im not ready for it all.

anyway.
wow. wot a christmas. its been great.one of those days that ill back on, and smile.

self hating

2004-12-21T21:38:00.000+08:00

man i hate myself. i look in the mirror at the moment and just want to smash it. i feel so ugly, fat and disgusting. my skin is absolutely feral. i have never had such horrible skin. and it feels like nothing i can do will make it better. putting makeup on makes me feel better, but it makes my skin 100% worse. god its horrible. and sometimes really, the makeup doesnt make that much of a difference, only makes me feel a lil better about myself. ive gotten to the point where im staying inside as long as i can so that way i can avoid having to put makeup on. theres no way ill leave the house without it on. mum thinks im crazy. but really. the last time i DIDNT wear makeup my chinese friend said "whats wrong with your face?" for crying out loud. that made me feel just friggin great didnt it!!?

but its not just the skin on my face...my WHOLE body is so so so dry. god. im a feral freak. my shoulders, arms and top of my legs are dry. the tops of my hand r starting to get flaky. my knuckles are dry and red cos now wen i knock them they get extra sore and the skin gets scratched off them so much easier. far out. wots going on?

oh...and then theres my arse. oh my god. even my mum just said that my pants r too tight! WHAT! thanks mum. thanks alot. gee. wot am i meant to do? and my legs r so gross. i mean, my legs were never perfect but they used to be better than this.

my hair needs dying, i need to visit the beautician. i need like a total make over. i just feel so ugly and feral and disgusting. ppl joke about other ppl getting beaten by the ugly stick, but i feel like i really have been. i dont even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. today, while teaching one of my students, she kept looking at herself in the mirror, so i leant over to look in the mirror too, to distract her and get her attn back to her lesson. but gee. i saw my reflection and thought "no wonder she's looking at herself in the mirror...anything but looking at me" :-(

meh. i feel like ive tried everything. i moisturise from head to toe. i drink water non stop all day. drink lemon water. eat lots of vegies. i dunno. i give up. im actually hoping Dan DOESNT call me to have lunch together this week cos i dont want him to see me like this again. i dont want him to remember me like this.

uurrrgghhh. why can i just be half normal. and have nice skin? just ONE thing nice. one thing normal. geez. i hate myself so much. it makes me want to cry. how cud dan even have kissed someone that looks like me? maybe he just wanted SOMETHING didnt care who it was. but i dont think he's like that. god this is crazy. i want him to call me soo badly. it breaks my heart that he hasnt called since friday. but at the same time, i think id b afraid to answer.
he saw me without makeup on, on sat morning and i freaked. he was like "er i dont care carrie, dont b silly" but maybe thats y i havent heard from him? wot if he's like "gee, carrie looks like CRAP without makeup on"

:-( why am i so ugly? :-(

finding a new street

2004-12-20T13:57:00.000+08:00

this poem..is off a friends blog. i guess its something most of us could probably relate to. but right now, is me all over.
when oh when will i take that other friggin street?

PORTRAIT OF PROGESS
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost.... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But is isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in.... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

precious children

2004-12-18T22:18:00.000+08:00

well i just home from the orphanage christmas party. and it was real good fun. its the first time ive been out to the orphanage since ive been back. im so ashamed of that. i remember the first day i got back to kai fai qu all i could think about what getting out to the orphanage and seeing the children again - but it never happened. for 2 reasons, 1 being that they've had visitors like every weekend, so it wudnt have worked out for me to go out there and the 2nd on is that, on the few occasions that i was welcome out there i had already planned something, or was sick, or there wasnt enuff room in the van anyway. so yeh, i was pumped to be seeing them all again.

some of them have changed soooo much. for instance, mo jo lin, he used to be short and fat but now he is a good height and a good build, not fat at all - same character tho of course..cheeky! and same with Han Xiao, wow her hair is sooo long! so beauitful. then there are the ones that havent changed AT ALL! like mah jun, still little, still sooo adorable! and Qiao Dun i remember when i was here the first time her and i were close and she wud give me the BEST hugs ever. she still looks the same too.

there are a few new additions. and 1 that has left, with his father. one of the new children, hei lu lu lost half her left arm, but we are in the progress of getting a special arm, just for her from states so she'll b able to function properly. she is real sweet. she liked my dad.

there was also a young girl, who's name i can not pronounce let alone spell. she doesnt live at the orphanage, she lives in the little town where the orphanage is situated. however her mum has passed away and she rarely sees her dad so she spends most of her weekends at the orphanage and attends the free english classes on sat and sun. i really fell in love with her. words can not and will never describe the look on her face when receiving all her christmas presents. wow. these kids got totally blessed! also, it was her bday! so she got even mooore presents. she seemed so overwhelmed!

after all the formalities and eating the kids started playing around and i hit the floor to catch up with the children again. some remembered me, others didnt. i guess physically ive changed. and its been a while. when i approached that local girl, (who comes on weekends and has the english lessons) she had this awesome grin on her face. she was wearing a santa's hat, with 2 white long plaits. i grabbed them and used them to tickle her and then she did the same back to me. hehe. it was so cute. then she grabbed my hand, with both hers and that was it, she wudnt let go. she held on so tight. i was touched and torn at the same time. i wished i cud take her with me, back to oz. she was just...ah...there are no words. and when i was leaving..aww the way she looked at me. i cud hav just cuddled her forever.

so precious...all of them, so so so so precious.

he's going :-(

2004-12-14T13:05:00.000+08:00

well. it seems like its happening. tyrone has been talking about going back to south africa for a while now. and its seems like ideas and options are turning into reality. there is a guy that works at his company that just got back from joburg to see wot he thought of the place before possibly accepting the management position there. but he mustnt have liked it cos he's given it the "thumbs down" which means all eyes are now on tyrone. he wants to go. i know he's fed up with alot of things in perth. and to be honest, i dont blame him. i can see where he's coming from. we spoke on the fone last nite and he said that if the position opens up, he'll take it.

im happy for him tho. it will b such good money and set him up even better for life than what he already is. and he really likes it over in joburg too. its just that, the contract will be for 3 yrs. *sigh* thats such a long time. he said last nite that he'd b back every6 months, which is true. but i mean, i prolly still wont get much time with him.

i know i sound selfish. im not meaning to. im so happy for him and proud of him too.
i guess, im just gonna b lost without him.

that tingling feeling

2004-12-11T19:04:00.000+08:00

i thought i'd forgotten about "that' feeling. forgotten what it feels like. that over whelming tingling and buzz when you see someone that you really like. that shock that goes up ur spine when they touch you. the way ur stomach turns into knots when your eyes meet. its such an awesome sensation. it sends u on such a high. and im on a high. and its a high thats different to any old random crush that only lasts a week. leaving Dan behind is going to break my heart :-(

we had lunch together on thursday which was pleasant. we had japanese. had a good chat. then last night (friday) we went out again. i met him at McDonalds in Walmart and we had macca's (healthy..lol) then he grabbed some groceries from walmart and we walked back to his place. we played with his new hamster...its sooo cute! its name is nancy, one of his students gave it to him! hehe. so funny. and um, yeh then we watched a movie. at about 11-11:30 we made our way to "JD's", the foreign nightclub.

it was just him and me and Raphael, who rocked up later but we didnt really see him much. there was actually quite alot of chinese there last nite. not as many foreigners as usual. i met some funny german guys. one who tried desperately to crack onto me all nite. it was funny tho. wen i first saw him, he comes up to me, puts his arm around me and goes "australian girl!" HAHA. i was like "um sorry, i forgot ur name" and he was like "u havent met me, but i remember u from last week, i saw you" haha. (must have been that crazy pole dancing) and later on i asked him if he liked chinese girls, and he said no, so i asked if he liked german girls and he said "no, i only like australian girls" haha. he was funny. i guess under normal circumstances he may have done a little better with me but i just had eyes for dan, so he had no hope. oh! and some other guy, who's face i didnt even see was behind me at the bar and fussing over my freckles. he was like, poking his finger onto them and telling me "oh wow, so beautiful" HAHA. wot a joke.

i met some more aussie gals. one was even from perth! she seemed nice. didnt seem like a perth gal tho. funny that. one other chick tho, from melbourne, she was awesome. her and i got up on the podium and danced our little hynies off! she was great fun to dance with.

i prolly drunk a little too much. its hard to tell wen ur dancing. it puts ur judgment right off i reckon. but i sure felt my 2 shots of tequilla in the morning. i dont think ill b doing that again. u always learn the hard way. *shakes head*

but yeh, anyway. i was almost convinced that dan was not into me AT ALL. but then out of nowhere he appeared up on the podium with me and we had a nice lil dance together. then we got down and went and grabbed a drink. then after a while we sat down. we had our arms round each other. and then, we looked at each other and then....we kissed :-) thats a moment ill remember forever. damn. he is the best kisser EVER. no one has ever kissed me like that in my life. anyway i wont go into details. but i was one happy chicken. hehehe.

soon after that we left and went back to his place ... haha. gosh that sounds so evil and naughty doesnt it? "we left and went back to his place". but nah. we got back. he grabbed his stuff and went to stay at his friends and i crashed. ..not without getting another kiss tho. its so cute that he stays at another friends house so i dont feel uncomfortable. its good tho, that he has no alterior motives and respects me.

this morning i got up and he came over round midday. then we got our stuff together, went and had lunch, then joined the crew for frisby for the afternoon. gosh, the look on everyones faces when we rocked up together. funny. they can think wot they like. we were well behaved and are perfectly innocent.

all in all i had a good time.thing is tho, even as we sat there kissing (at "JD's"), as much as i was flying, my heart was sinking as i realised, this is one guy i dont want to lose, and theres nothing i can do about it.

"burning for revenge"

2004-12-09T22:56:00.000+08:00

atm im reading a series. "the tomorow series", by John Marsden, an aussie author. its by far the best set of books i have ever read. im actaully reading them for the second time. and i imagine one day, ill read it a third maybe even a fourth time. its THAT good. its about a group of 17/18 yr olds that go on a camping trip for a weekend and wen they get back, the country has been invaded. and the series tells the story of all their brave and vicious attacks on the enemy. so far, 3 of the 8 have died some pathetically, some heroicaly. the main character, Ellie, actually reminds me alot of,well, me. and she forms this relelationship with Lee, a guy in their group. she looses her virginity to him. but as the war surges on their relationship becomes kinda shakey. and is more stop start than go go go. anyway. i have just finished book 5 (of 7), "Burning for Revenge"...quite an appropriate title for wot goes on in the book really, but thats a different story...
at the end of this book, they are caught up in stratton. a long way from their usual sanctuary.they are in hiding after blowing up a huge airfield. ellie and lee's relationship is kind of non existant, but still floating in the background. lee has discovered his parents have been killed and since then seems to be doing his own thing...crazy things. ellie notices that he takes long walks at nite by himself..for HOURS and comes back all revived and full of energy, not normal basically. she is convinced that he is doing some kind of individual attack on the enemy without telling them which cud put the rest of the group in danger..so...one nite she follows him. only, to her horror, (and mine, i sorta forgot this happened) he goes to a farm house and meets a GIRL! and not just any girl..the ENEMY! they meet with a kiss...oh gosh. i felt my heart burning with ellies. i really felt like i was there. gosh. this guy was sleeping with the enemy, literally. but this wasnt just a betrayal to the group or to the country, this was a physical and emotional betrayal to ellie. and it hurt me too!!!

it made me think of jonathan. suddenly all that pain from wot he did to me returned. i was feeling so strained and angry about the whole situation. it made me wish i was there so i cud run up to lee and beat the crap out of him. in the story, turns out that the enemy lee is sleeping with sells him out, and some men come with guns to get him. anyway, to make a long story short, ellie saves his life. then, in the aftershock starts to blame herself. that it was her fault that he had run to another woman cos she had been so reserved.

gee. the memories. i just feel so haunted again from that story. i keep telling myself that ive forgiven jonathan for wot he did, but i mean, with the anger and bitterness i feel after reading that, it makes me wonder if deep down i have forgiven him. and if, i will EVER get over it. HOW DO you get over being cheated on? i gave everything to him. he was my first kiss, my first...well, my first EVERYTHING. i promised him id come back for him. he told me we'd get married.he told me that he loved me.

after only 6 months, actually, prolly less than that, he had gone after another girl. ill never forget wen he told me that he'd cheated on me. i was in a net cafe here in china. i was excited cos he'd emailed me and told me that he wanted to talk and to b on the net at a certain time. i was looking fwd to talking to him sooo much.but wen he told me he'd slept with someone else. woah. my head dropped. it nearly fell off my shoulders. it dived into my hands and i wept. i was surrounded by ppl. but i didnt care.i was so shocked. i didnt even see it coming. he told me it was a one nite stand and he was drunk and he regretted it so much and that he knew he didnt deserve me. blah blah blah

and i bought it too. i sat there and rationlised. that he was only male, only human and that he didnt think i was coming back. he was prolly depressed. so that made it ok. (wot a load of crap really) so anyway. i remember the first nite wen i was back in oz. and we were together. we were kissing n stuff. and then all of a sudden i just started crying. and he knew y. boy o boy did he know y.and i ended up just lying there frozen, not looking at him. but i recovered and we got on withour relationship like nothing had ever really even happened.

on our one yr anniversary, he and his sister had a fight....and the truth came out. it wasnt a one nite stand it all. it went on for 3 months. and he was engaged!!!!!!!!!!! ENGAGED!!!!!!!! i must hav been one big idiot cos i still didnt dump him. i cudnt. i realise now y older guys like to date younger girls...cos they r easily manipulated and easily grow to depend on them.
i look back and wish i broke up with him. it bugs me that HE was the one to dump ME. after all he had done. he dumped me over a friggin text message. wot kind of freak does that?! wot an asshole.

i look back at the way he treated me. things like...wen there were other girls around i was invisable. like wen i first got back to perth he went to see a movie b4 picking me up, he was 3 hours late and acted like it was nothing...i wud go to his house and he'd play computer games or play the piano...he'd promise me we'd go to the beach or do something fun, then he'd play computer games,geeez. WHY did i stay with this guy? WHY did i let him treat me like that?

i sure have learnt my lesson tho. and since then i have deffinately raised the bar.apparently now he is married with 2 kids. good for him *extreeeeme sarcasm* im glad its not me. i secretly wish that one day we'll run into each other and that ill look totally amazing and he'll have the deepest sense of regret. haha. thats kind of evil and selfish. but i cant help it.

one thing i know for sure...if anyone every cheats on me again, they will be OUT of my life...but not before i kick their ass and give them a good reason to get a restraining order on me, well ok, perhaps i wont b THAT psycho. but they'll regret it thats for sure.

what a weekend!

2004-12-06T11:22:00.000+08:00

well i have had the most brilliant weekend ever! well the most brilliant weekend so far in china anyway. so this could be a long blog cos i wanna write aaalllll about it!!!

ok it all started on friday. Dan msg'ed me and asked if i wanted to go out with them. i wasnt goin to but he convinced me that i should and that staying home every weekend was never gonna do me any good. so i packed up stuff and tried to 'hot myself up'..haha. i had to teach from 4 -6pm then straight after work i jumped on the train with my stuff and headed into town. i got there in like half an hour and i called dan so he cud tell the cab driver where his apartment was cos i cudnt repeat it very well. (some chinese is just beyond my oral grasp!) so i jumped in the cab and that stupid driver had no idea where he was going and he dropped me off at the wrong place!!!!so i had to catch another cab! eventually i got to dans. i put my stuff down at his place (cos i was staying in town over night) and then we headed off for dinner.

we went to a hotel restaurant and met up with Bron and Emma (2 aussie gals) and John (from new york) they are Dan's closest friends. we had dim sum, which was really good. had a few laughs as bron, em and i tried to explain to dan and john why it was so disgusting that mark philapousis (spelling?) dumped OUR delta!!! haha. we had fun using all these stupid aussie terms so they had NO idea wot were talking about. wot a laugh.

then we went ten pin bowling. which was funny too. i was the gutter queen. haha. i swear thats the worst ive played in my life. we split up into teams and got all competitive and got the high fives pumping. haha. it was funny. then this russian guy rocked up, his name is Roman. gosh he was nuts. he doesnt even have a russian accent. he's spent some time in the states and he talks like some kind of gangsta. haha. cept he doesnt look rough or anything, he wears glasses and is going bald, so it was such a joke. he was pretty drunk wen he arrived. he'd been drinking and he was swearing his face off. it was pretty annoying really.

then we went to a place called "daves bar" apparently it was the most popular foreign hang out a few yrs ago but not anymore. i can see y, the music sucked. the dj was terrible she was like playing two songs at once, with no matching beat. i dont think she realised. it was rediculous. we had a few drinks and tried to play cards, but roman was being abusive cos he didnt understand how to play. so that kind of ruined it. then bron and dan and john made their way to the pole and did some pole dancing. which coped a fair bit of attn from all the chinese!! as if we didnt have enuff already!

we left after bout an hour and went to "JD's" which the foreign hang out now apparently. it was so packed. we put our jackets behind the bar and grabbed a few beers. i dont really like beer back home in oz, but i like chinese beer! weird. there was so many different nationalities there. africans, germans, russians, koreans, americans,canadians, poms, AUSSIES (WOO HOO) and a few chinese. most of the chinese though were older men trying to pick up young foreign gals *eewwww* i had one old guy crack onto me. yuk. he touched my back. eewwwww. it was horrible.i was like "dan! act like ur my bf or something! save me!" i ended up bailing to the toilet. the toilets were all squats. they werent too bad tho. id say the bathrooms in clubs in aus r prolly dirtier actually!

i met some more aussies. which was really cool. there was 3 guys and one chick. the chick is awesome. i saw her again on sunday actually. her name AAliah. we had a few good dances together actually. she's lovely. shes a bible college drop out apparently. lol. then there was mic/michael. he was totally nuts. i think he ended up getting pretty wasted. but wot a guy. we spent the whole night laughing cos of him. and he was such good fun to dance with. we got up on the podium together then hit the pole together and got the crowd going with our pole dancing. haha. oh wot a scream!!! i was laughing so much that i dont know how i managed to keep my 'sexy routine' going. hehehe. he was real good fun to dance with. he just had no shame. then there was josh. he seemed pretty quiet at first. but after a few he was pretty nuts too. he and bron ended up going home together!!! i didnt realise ppl still did damage over here!!!! it was pretty funny.

the club itself was pretty small. the outskirts had tables n chairs n little booths. the bar as at the far end. the dance floor was in the middle and they had big rocks as stairs going down to the floor. then at the back of the dance floor was the podium. it was glass with lights under it. so that was pretty cool fun to dance on, then u walked out from the podium to this lil round thing with a pole on it, so u were sort of amoungst the crown while u were on it.it was pretty cool. there was another pole on the other side of the dance floor but it didnt seem to popular, it was right near the walk way so u cudnt really swing around without kicking anyone! haha actually, speaking of kicking ppl...haha. gosh. i felt so bad. i was up on the pole by myself at one stage and dan hadnt been up there at all and the guys must hav egged him to get up there with me. but i had my back to them and i went to turn around just as dan was climbing up there and whacked him in the face with my arm. hahaha. poor guy. he scared the hell out of me!we stood there laughing for ages.

i had alot of fun with dan actually. he was a real sweety and paid for like nearly everything for me. he'd say"i got you", in his canadian accent. nothing really happened with us though. we held hands a bit and he had his arm around me wen were sat down together. we wud like sit there and watch everyone on the dance floor.it was pretty interesting. there were alot of russians actualy and the dj played a fair bit of russian pop. i enjoyed watching them getting all excited and pumped wen they heard their fave songs. they were pretty good dancers actually kinda skanky, but they had rythm. they seemed to really dig the dark african guys. alot of the russian girs looked so young tho. too young to be in a night club. bron told me that some of them are too young, but some of them just look young.
there was this one gal who looked so terrible. gosh. i know this is mean but i have to write about her. she had jeans that looked like she sprayed them on, they were so tight. she was kinda tubby and the jeans were a very light color, so they made her ass look HUGE. then she had this ugly chain belt on. then a leopard print, longsleeve, high necked top. that only covered half her stomach...which was hanging OVER her jeans, that were too tight. gosh it was disgusting. anyway. illl try not to be too mean.

it was a real good nite. we left at bout 4am. i had such a brilliant time. and as i was telling tyrone, i dont meant to brag, but us aussies were the life of the party, without a doubt. we sure showed them. haha. one thing i cudnt get over was the huge shot of tequilla the bar gave me. i always said id neva drink tequilla but with a bit of lemon and salt, i like it. so i ordered a shot...and it was only 1o Yuan!!!!!!!!!!! ($1.67 aus) but gosh it was huge...he put it in a glass, not a shot glass, with ice. but it was like, there were 2 shots in there not one. i looked at it and thought, geeeez, im in trouble. but it didnt really effect me as much as i thought. i guess cos i was dancing lots.but wow. ill neva get over how big that shot was. dan looked at me after i had it like i was some kind of crazy lady. and goes "i cant believe you just did that"

so yes, off we went. dans so funny, he let me have his whole apartment to myself. he said that he didnt want me to feel uncomfortable about us being in the same room etc so we stayed at a friends in the next building. so i got his double bed all to myself! much beta than the couch that i thought i was getting. i was relieved too. i was feeling a little nervous about the whole setup. he was a perfect gentlement about the whole thing.

so i got to sleep bout 5am i guess. then i had to get up at 8:30!!!! *uurrrggghhhh* my family and i met at 9:30am at the "pole aquarium" one of my dads students had given him 5 tickets so we cud go there as a family. which was real nice of him. specially since its 130 Yuan each to get in!! it was so amazing though. i was afraid that it might be a hole. but the chinese have done an amazing job. it is of international standards. its like a zoo, but for like, ice animals. lol...kind of a funny term i guess. there were polar bears! Dugons, otters, penguins, little wolf puppies, seals, walrus's, turtles, sooo many different animals. there was also a dolphin show which totally blew my mind. despite it all being in chinese, that was the best dolphin show i have eva seen. im still blown away at how high those dolphins cud jump. it was amazing.

it was such a mesmerising experience though. we spent a good 15 mins watching the dugons. they are like a mix between a whale and a dolphin and they are white. they were so graceful and strong and playful. ive neva seen anything like them in my life! u cud watch them all day and still b fasinated and amazed i think.the polar bears were real amazing too. one of them was such a poser. he just loved the camera and he walked back and forthTOTALLY posing. it was so cute. there was a real big one that just slept. their paws were huge. WOW!we saw so many species of fish that i cud have just neva imagined. sadly the pics do not justify the way they looked in real life. some of the creatues were so prehistoric. it was truly fascinating. it was an experience i will never forget!

saturday sure was cold though. the wind was like ice. it was disgusting really. i msged dan later in the day.he didnt get out of bed til 2:30! slack arse. i was jealous really. i wish i cud have slept that much. i was exhausted. on the bus trip home tho i did sleep. and woke up just in time to get off at my stop! *lucky!* i got off at Jin Ma Lu. and that is generally a windy street...its the main road into kai fai qu..well, its the ONLY road into kai fai qu from dalian. but ive never felt this kind of wind b4. i had to fight to stay upright. it was literally nearly blowing me over~!! i cudnt believe it! i made sure i kept away from the road cos i was afraid of getting blown into the traffic!
i eventually got home tho. i was in bed by 8pm! i was sooo tired. it was good tho. i got up at 7:30am on sunday, so i nearly got 12 hours sleep! i went into hai shi jiao for fellowship. dan called after, wanting to catch up. i didnt want to. i told him i looked like crap and also that i had no money. which was the truth. he wudnt take no for an answer tho. gosh. he's so persuasive. he said he'd pay for it. i told him id pay him back. so we met in town caugt up with some other aussie gals. then dan n i went our own way n went shopping for a bit. then we met up with emma and bron and john and josh (the guy bron took home!!!) and we went ice skating. well dan, jon and i went.the others were too tired and werent dressed warm enuff. it was lotsa fun. i cant skate that well tho. only slow.dan kept trying to convince me to let him push me along so i cud go fast and i wudnt let him. so he came up behind me without me knowing and started pushing. i screamed! it scared me. and then we stacked it. haha. we were covered in ice. damn it was cold!!!!! we lay there laughing. my hands were so purple! eekk, numb almost.

we left in the end cos we cudnt feel our toes! lol. we jumped in a cab. and ended up in an accident 2 mins later.nothing serious. just a dented bumper bar. so we got out, jumped in a new cab. john went home and dan and i went to the shops again to grab a hot drink. we went to this cafe. it was so cute. instead of having tables and chairs they have normal tables but swings as chairs! its like a long plank of wood, hanging on rope that dangles from the ceiling.the rope is wrapped in cheap and nasty fake flowers. but the general idea is so cute. i loved it. real fun!we sat there for hours talking.i really enjoy dans company. we talked about everything. church, homosexuals, friends back home, our families, china...everything. we talked about heaps of stuff. it was a real good convo.if i wasnt falling for him b4, i was after that coffee :-( wot a stupid situation really.

in the end i said i shud go. as mum n dad dont like me travelling alone in the dark. he jumped in cab and he escorted me to the train station. and he gave me money to get home. 50 yuan!!! i tried to give it back. 50 yuan was just too much. but he wudnt give me anything smaller. i told him id bring him the change. he reckons he doesnt want it. weird. either he's just generous or crazy. lol.

and as if the weekend wasnt perfect enuff as it was, i got home and we had burito's for dinner!!! haha.and even beta...i got a call from tyrone. yay! we had a good long chat. telling each other about our weekends.i cried wen i got off the fone to him tho. for lots of reasons. alot to do with him possibly going back to jo-burg. as i cud only b back in oz a few weeks b4 he leaves. also cos i just miss him. i feel frustrated about the whole situation.

ive also decided not to spend a whole week in brisbane. for a few reasons. mostly though, becos i really cant afford it. i convinced myself i cud, but i cant. its just not a wise decision and im gonna need some money wen i get back to perth.also i think im gonna b pretty upset after leaving my family. so the the sooner i get back to a familiar place with familiar faces, the better. it was a hard decision though. i was afraid my friend andrew, who i was gonna meet over there wud b mad at me. but he understood. and didnt seem to mind. we're stil gonna catch up tho. im just gonna be there for a shorter time is all.

wow. wot a weekend. im on a buzz! :-)

liquorous lusts.

2004-12-02T20:16:00.000+08:00

fade away
to that happy place
bump n grind
to sounds of deep beats and heart beats
sip at it
scull it down
shoot it up
then float around
cruise around
ooze around
opportunities?
for luuurrrrrrrve
for lusssssssst
for everything that detests innocence
flashing lights
wud i feel the same without them?
wud this rush still exist?
the rush i feel wen i see u there
u dont even know i see you
u dont even know i exist
can i steal a dance?
a kiss?
hell, id settle for a glance.
a glance or recognition
recognition that im here
that i exist
so that my idle staring
idle fantasising,
can reach a slightly higher intensity
so intense theres a fire danger
a fire in my heart
a fire in my mind
a fire in my gut
a fire everywhere as i feel ur eyes are finally all over me
fire, smoke, lights, music, liquor
the ingredients for an impassioned moment in time
between complete strangers
where communication relies not on words
but on lips, hips, eyes and creeping hands.
the music takes over
the music consumes us
as we are engrossed in our own selfish liqorous lusts.

call me ;o)

2004-12-02T19:38:00.000+08:00

hm i have nothing significant to write. im here cos im bored. none of my friends are online and i really dont have anything to do. hm. actually, maybe i should read my book? oh well. im on here now so i may as well empty my mind a little.
the last 2 days have been good for me. a real improvement on how things have been lately i guess. the days are always going so fast though. mind you, with it getting dark at like 4:30-5pm the day really is cut short!
i had a real good conversation with dan last nite. we were on the fone til just after midnite and it was realy nice to have someone to talk to. back home in australia i was always up late, on the fone to someone. i miss it. for a while there it was like i wasnt even in china! i was having a normal conversation with a normal person! the only fone calls i seem to get are from chinese students asking to be friends and about what things i like. which is all well and good but its very robotic and limited. so it was awesome to sit there and crap on about nothing and laugh about silly, trivial things.
apart from that call the only the calls i get like that is my weekly dose of tyrone. haha. he calls me every weekend and that is my only other tap to the outside world! it saddens me that no one else has called me in the 3 months ive been here, all my good friends have my number, or had, i know i gave it to them. i guess it seems like a big deal calling china. but its not, it takes about as much effort as calling someone in perth does! haha. i mean, im not bitter about ppl not calling me. but i guess, since i enjoy fone calls so much, i miss them.

...so call me on 555-555....lol

Moving forward or Slipping back?

2004-12-01T09:10:00.000+08:00

i hate to admit it, but i have totally, 100% back slidden.
I was talking to a good friend about it last night on msn. i was asking how things were going with her, as far as church is concerned n well, they werent too many good things to say it seemed. she asked me, and shamefully i admitted that i had back slidden. i dont even know why. well actually, no thats a lie, i do know why. i have just been questioning everything. I've been questioning everything since i got here actually and it was working well for me, cos i was finding answers to my questions, which made my faith stronger. but then i stopped looking for the answers and just threw my arms up in the air. sorta like "wotever i dont care".

i was never entirely very full on. well i guess i was actually, just not compared to others. i think back on my schedule in perth and it was so involved with the church...

every second monday was choir practice
tuesday nights: culture group
wednesday nights: club 180 where i did book shop and did a little teaching
thursday: worked, no church.
friday night:church
saturday night: free to do what i want
sunday morning: church
sunday night: recover and sleep. haha.

i know that compared to some ppl that is totally nothing, but the point is, church and god was a very huge part of my life. I used to pray every morning and every night. now i dont pray at all. when i first got here i decided i would set out to read the entire bible in the time i was here, i havent picked up a bible in a month. and i couldnt really even give you a good reason for why.

Last night, after that conversation on msn, when i was going to bed i felt challenged, i knew i needed to pray. but i brushed off the unction and went to sleep. this morning i got up and went into the kitchen for breakfast. i nearly skipped it and was about to go upstairs and grab my novel and start reading that, when i realised we still had some cornflakes! *yay* hehe. so i sat down for that and there in front of my was my mum's bible. and to the left of were 2 of our many devotionals. i tried to ignore them and kept eating. then, when i went to leave the kitchen those devotionals just kept jumping out at me. so i thought "ok god, lets see what msg u can send me today" i remember often, devotionals somehow always seem to be just what you need to hear and i couldnt believe what these two devotionals had to say.

the first one was about god being "El shaddai", which means, the great god almighty, the all-sufficient one. it was about how he was more than enough. which to me, kind of spoke to me like as if, i dont need anything else if i have God. and that encouraged and challenged me a little.

but the second one. i could NOT believe the title when i opened up to dec 1st...."Moving forward or Slipping back?" good thing i didnt read it while i was eating breakfast i would have choked on my cornflakes. i was blown away. i could not believe that this reading was about back sliding. it talked about people who build themselves up to a level where they are ready to teach, then for no reason in particular, slip right back down and need teaching all over again. he (the author) was stressing the fact that, the less of the bible you read, the less faith u have and the bigger chance you have of 'slipping back'.

i then went into the living room to look for another devotional that we have for young people. i was just ACHING to know wot this one had to say!!! it was titled "dont buy the lie" and yep, you guessed it, that was also exactly what i needed to hear. it was basically about how satan can get into our lives and lie to us. trying to convince us that we are losers, or we are depressed, or we're not good enough, or try to highlight possible future struggles so we start to worry. it went on to say that we should read about gods promises to us in the bible so when satan does come to toy with our minds or destroy our lives we dont have to let him ruin us.

that last reading totally made me realise how much i have let satan rule me lately. in the last month i have felt so down, so defeated, so worried, so stressed, so...."shmeh". the biggest link there is that its been the last month that ive just totally separated myself from god. havent prayed, havent read the bible havent done crap all. all ive done is mope around.

SO. ive decided. NO MORE defeated depressed carrie. i am happy as larry carrie (hehe that ryhmes!) i know that some ppl might say "well i NEVA read the bible and i NEVA pray and im just doing fine" well...good for them, i now know that i need god in my life and when i let go of him, things just are not the same.

second thoughts.

2004-11-29T16:45:00.000+08:00

i was thinking today. about this stupid dan thing.
ive come to conclusion that he isnt even my type anyway. that im just over excited about being around a half normal foreign guy. its like, something is better than nothing. not that he isnt special, he's cool. but yeh. i think i got a little over excited i spose. i dont know
but yeh. im gonna let it go and as i said in one of my earlier blogs, guard my heart.

but yeh. i think, taking a step to the outside of the circle and looking in, i guess i got a little caught up. i honestly think dan might be gay. the more i think about it, the more im convinced...he was looking for male jewelry n male skin care products n trying on scarves...geez im an idiot y didnt i see that coming? AND his best friends r chicks. im stupid. the more i think about it. the more obvious it is.

i guess being overseas leaves u vulnerable and blind in all areas of ur heart at times.

my weekend...

2004-11-28T22:11:00.000+08:00

well this weekend was not like every other weekend. well, it was less routine. ive noticed all my weekends seem the same lately. i dont really like that. mind u, this weekend wasnt toooo amazing. i was sick from early sat morn to early this morn. THAT was horrid. i had a sore throat, headache, cough, dizziness, throwing up, diarrhea it was terrible. all the muscles in my body ached i was so weak i cud hardly walk n wen i stood up all i wanted to do was yack. oh i hated it! luckily mum took good care of me. it made me want to cry, having someone to take care of me. it made me think of the times back in oz wen i was sick and it was just me. thru terrible hang overs or bugs or a small stint of food poisoning. sometimes u just feel like ud rather die. so i was so appreciative of my mums loving and tender touch.

i had hoped to go into hai shi jiao for fellowship but felt too weak. however by 10 am today i felt good again. Dan had asked me to go shopping with him so i got myself together and met him in town. we had fun. im glad i went. i was a lil late cos i missed the train. we went to victory plaza. its heaps n heaps of shops that are all underground. about 4 levels underground. its pretty crazy but good for a laugh. we looked around for a jacket for him. finally found one. then i was looking for gloves but didnt find any. we had a look at some accessories n i bought some cute earings.

after that we went to a bar to meet some friends of his. he has two aussie friends (both chicks) from canberra. they were pretty nice but seemed like they were straight out of the bush. they had pretty fowl mouths and werent too classy. i know that sounds snobby, n i dont mean to sound that way, but thats the best way to describe them. they did seem like good fun tho n it was nice to b with some fellow aussies again - almost comforting. there was a guy too, John. i dont know where he was from, we didnt get to talk much. we left the bar n went out n played haki-sack in a local park til i decided to go home. dan walked me to a place to catch a cab. we said our polite good byes n i jumped in the car.

part of me is like "ooo he's so cute and awesome!" but part of me is also like "he's gay" hahaha. i guess he's kind of a 'metro man' altho not entirely. not that being a metro man makes u gay. it was just a few comments he made i guess. but he seems like a very open minded person, not an anal "bloke" that wont talk about things that dont make them "tough". either way i really enjoyed his company. i cant tell wot he thinks of me. we had a few "moments" i guess. but i dunno. he said he'd call me later in the week. so we'll see. i bet i sound like an idiot. i feel like an idiot. oh im such an idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

as ty n i were saying on the fone together this evening "things never work out the way you plan/hope" and its so true. altho he was referring to a different situation, but still, i think that still applies to this one. things just dont work out with me n other guys. i cud think of at least 2 off the top of my head. but i wont go into those. i seem to always make the mistake of thinking i have a chance with someone, but i dont. i dont know wot it is. obviously there is SOMETHING about me that makes guys not want me. i guess im just 'not pretty enuff'. thats usually wot it comes down to.
anyway im spinning crap now.
im off.

fridays entry...

2004-11-27T18:07:00.000+08:00

well, here i am, its friday nite, and im at home. im not out with dan. i didnt even bother asking mum. i decided that my mum still thinks im a water sipping virgin and for now that suits me. i know she hates the idea of me going out to bars (altho, she must know, deep down, that i do) also, it wud hav meant me coming home in a taxi by myself late at nite (or early morning). Kai Fai Qu is a 40 min drive from down town Dalian n i dont think its safe to b in a cab alone - being a foreign gal n all.
i explained that to Dan n he seemed confused. then he realised that he was getting kai fai qu and hai shi jiao mixed up. then he suggested i crash at a friends house in Dalian. but i quickly reminded him that i have no friends in dalian! then desperately (it seemed) he suggested i stay at his place... ... ... omg. i was so shocked that he said that. i dont even know y. i guess cos he's a church go-er too, so i didnt see it coming. but i mean, from the chats ive had he doesnt seem to be too 'by the book'. i think he cud tell i was shocked by my silence. in australia tho this wudnt have shocked me, but for some reason this did. *weird* then he said, or i have a friend, thats a girl, who's place u cud stay if ur more comfortable with that?

i just so didnt know wot to say.i felt trapped. part of me was like "oh u SO want to stay at his place carrie" (i hate to admit that, i thought 'that' part of me was gone, but its still very much alive) but another part was like, "find an excuse quick" haha. in the end i told him id think about it n call him back at 6 after id finished work.

i remembered that i was baby-sitting in the morning at 9am. i called him at 6:30 n told him the 'bad news'. he did seem a little let down. i apolagised n said that the odds were against me n that it wud just have to happen another time. he said that was fine n that it cud happen any weekend so we'll have lots of other opportunities to hang out. we checked we were both going to frisby tomorrow. i told him to have a good time n hav a drink for me!

in a way im a little relieved. nothing serious wud ever result from this, but it makes me feel so nervous. i guess im a lil afraid that ill really start to like him. im just not in the mood for falling for someone a month b4 i leave here. im gonna have to guard my heart n just enjoy some laughs with him. but either way, im looking fwd to seeing him at frisby tomorrow..hehe . this is so much fun.

a dull day that turned bright

2004-11-25T23:01:00.000+08:00

well, im feeling alot better now than i did this morning after my mental breakdown. hahaha. thankfully my day improved alot. ITS SNOWING!!! wow. its just so beautiful. ive been saying "its gonna snow any day now, i just know it"....power of words huh? hehe.
dad called to say it was snowing in dalian n soon enuff it was snowing in kai fai qu as well. it was so fresh. it bought new fresh, crisp air. wen i left to go to work n stepped outside i was just so overwhelmed. it like, swept away my worries n freshened me up! the feeling of the snow falling on my face is just so hard to describe. tha flakes were miniscule so it was really special.

also, tonite was thanks giving dinner. jon, shani n i went. it was pretty good. i was hoping that Dan wud be there and he was. he is this canadian chinese guy that im friends with and a little fond of. its not like im in love with him, he just, how can i say....he makes my heart beat a little faster wen im round him. haha. n he helps me to remember wot its like to flirt again!...i was starting to forget! i saw him while trying to get food. it was clearly a prodominatly asian crowd cos there was no manners n ppl pushing to get to the food...he helped me get some food on my plate. hehe. then later he asked if i got any turkey. he said he hadnt n there was some on my table, so i saved him some - much to his delight. haha. towards the end i was sitting on my own n he came over n sat with me n we had a short convo, then everyone returned n he disapeared. he returned a min later with his scarf on and i tugged at it playfully. he said that he was going to "??(some bar)" tomorrow nite if i wanted to come. oh! i was so excited. i told him i didnt know where it was, so he gave me his number n said to call him tomorrow to sort it out.
im so excited. he's so funny, so easy to get along with n cute too. i hope that i can somehow find a way to go. altho convincing mum that its safe cud b quite a task. i dont really know his intentions. he's prolly just being social n friendly. not that it matters cos im leaving in just over a month. oh he's so cute!!!!!!!!!.
i guess we'll just see wot happens. if i cant go tho, i wont b heart broken.

i think i need a hug

2004-11-25T13:37:00.000+08:00

this week i have been keeping to myself. at first it was to avoid my family who were in such stupid pathetic moods. i just cant stand it when people find lame excuses to pick at each other and twist each others words. so to avoid n outburst from me, i just avoided everyone. i closed myself in my room and read. or even if i was in the same room as i them i just kind of floated away. things got better with the fams but i feel ive kind of stayed secluded. without really thinking too much about it.
been thinking about australia alot. im missing it this week. the weather here has taken a very cold turn and im hardly appreciating it. my friends are talking about how hot its been in perth...i'd do anything to be there right now. I was talking to my friend ruth the other nite. she was telling me how she had worked out on spreadsheet type thing her expenses verses her income to find out if she cud afford to move out of home or not. and turns out she cant afford it, by a fair bit. that kinda worried me. i mean if she catn afford it how can i? but i quickly realised how much of a stupid question that was, ive been out of home since i was nearly 17. i've survived ok. but then again....that time had been spent boarding with ppl. so its prolly not a true testiment of how id get by renting my own place or sharing a place with a friend. i sat down n worked things out best i cud. trying to remember wot the hell i spent my money on back in australia. i realised quickly that i spend an awful lot on clothes n shoes n that will just have to stop! after doing that spreadsheet i felt confident again that i would do just fine. and once again that comforting thought came to me "i've survived this long - so i'll survive this" i think that is the one thing that keeps me pushing forward.

despite that tho, i decided it is time for me to start figuring out my options for wen i get back to perth. i'll hav a week of luxury n dreamig in bris, b4 reality will hit me, possibly quite hard too. i emailed my friend cara n asked if she wanted to move out with me. i had told ruth earlier that i had a feeling she wouldnt, for financial reasons. but i asked her anyway. last nite i sat in the kitchen talking to mum n expressed how excited i was about getting back to australia (which quite clearly shattered her) i explained tho i was excited, not to leave here, but to start a new chapter of my life. sitting there, i cud have burst! i had managed to push out every worry n just feel excited about the future. it felt great.

this morning i got an email back from cara (the subject was "i want to sex you up" HAHAHA) but the content was just wot i had expected...disapointing. but logical for her situation. she wanted to work next yr n save money and the only way she can do that (save) is stay at home, rather than fork out for rent n bills. so i totally understand. but all the same hearing that news this morning sent me on such a downhill spin. i felt like i just lost control of my mind. i felt dizzy as i realised that cara wasnt AN option she was THE option and now i really had to face the reality that ill prolly have to live by myself. the future all of a sudden just seemed so gloomy. i got off the puter, hoped in the shower and cried a little. i was all of a sudden so stressed i cud hardly stand. i had a million thoughts flying thru my head. most i cant actually even remember right now. but they werent happy ones. i thought to myself that next yr is gonna be potentially quite lonely for me.
it seems tyrone is considering joburg again. which is no suprise. ive basically accepted that he's gonna go back there as soon as he can n be gone for AT LEAST yr. ...so there goes my best bud. he says that i dont need him for support. but he's wrong. standing in that shower all i wanted was tyrone. i really needed a hug. i felt so scared. wot am i saying i still feel scared. i just wanted to talk to tyrone. i needed him to tell me that ill be alrite. tyrone to me, is like the person who is always right, so if he says ill be alrite, then i will be.
i just feel so weak n lost today. i just want life to be easy. ive been looking on the internet at centrelink. trying to kind of estimate how much ill get from them n my heart is crying. im remember the crap they gave me earlier this yr. they wudnt believe that my parents dont have a solid income, or that they dont get pay slips. (hello! its china u psycho's) they gave me such a hard time. it was a few months b i saw any money. that was such a tough time for me, i really struggled n it was such a stress emotionally. id leave centrelink in tears quite often. ty can vouch for that. im pretty sure i phoned him in tears once as i left centrelink n made my way to uni.

oh i must sound like such a wuss. this is the loneliest i've felt since ive been here. i like, need to get outside n go for a walk, let off some steam but its too cold to go outside unless its totally absolutely necessary!!! i just need a hug.

money matters

2004-11-21T21:46:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder where people get there 'people skills' from. apparently they were available in a Corn Flake box round bout the time my dad was born. he lacks so much style n smoothness in the way he treats my mum, and other ppl too. things like work and some stupid dvd's seem to sit alot higher on his priorities than spending time with his wife. its my mums birthday today.

she just had a call from her mum, but cud hardly hear anything that was being said bcs Dad decided he wanted to watch a movie that was kinda loud. i will say tho, that he did have it kinda low AND we hav a cordless, so really mum cuda just left the room to avoid noise ruining their conversation. so they are both as stubborn as each other. but dad really screwed up wen he said "ive been tryingto watch this movie since 6 o'clock"...omg. REAL SMOOTH. like AS IF that justifies ignoring ur wife on her bday. mum was less than impressed to say the least. i guess instead of sitting here, i shud go n console her. but she's been a little funny all day. a little hard to talk to. so im just not really in the mood for someone who is going to shut me off anyway. considering it was her bday it was hardly a special day for her. so i feel a little bad that i didnt go out of my way, as i usually do, to try n make it special. but she always says "dont make a fuss etc etc"...so this yr i didnt. n she seemed upset. almost offended. we spent all day doing nothing. haha. i asked her if she wanted to go anywhere n she said no, that she was happy staying in. which was fine with me. i had no plans to leave the apartment thats for sure. then, after dinner, while we did the dishes together i sensed a feeling of disapointment within her. i apolagised that it wasnt a very exciting day. she sighed and mumbled something about it not being the first birthday that was non-eventful. ahhhh woteva. i ignored that comment.u cant say stuff like that. n u cant act like that if u've asked ppl NOT to makea fuss over u. geeeeeeeeeeeeez. i just dont get either of my parents sometimes.their behaviour is that of a child.

another issue thats "HOT" in the news is the money owed from shani's recent trip to beijing. last weekend she went to beijing on a youth camp. she, as well as mum n dad were under the impression that the camp was only 400 Yuan. as this is wot the camp forms had written on them. however wen shani got on the train to beijing she was approached and asked for her camp fee's. when she handed over the 400 yuan she was asked where the rest of the money was...the camp was actually 1000yuan!!! shani only had 400 yuan on her, apart from 200yuan spending money and the train had already left dalian so she couldnt bail on the camp and go home. poor chicken.she must have been so embarassed.

When she got home she told us all about it. Mr Bowman (the camp co-ordinatar, family friend n father of shani's best friend, natalie) had to fork out for the remaining 600yuan that shani didnt have on her. the camp was totally unorganised. they were told that they were going up to the mountains...but they didnt, they were in the same 'hotel' as last time. which had NO hot water mind u.HOW u pay 1000 yuan to have no hot water for showers for a weekend is beyond my comprehension.and to top it all off, the girls got the 'japanese rooms', with stupidly thin mattresses on the floor, while the guys got all the plush rooms with lovely beds. no prizes forg uessing what sex was in charge of the camp..yep a BLOKE...RUDE!!! i mean far out.SINCE WHEN do guys get prefernce over girls anyway? ESPECIALLY on a christian camp. its just how things r done! but i know the male leaders that went on that camp and they are all arrogant pigs so im not suprised.

we felt that there was no reason we should have to pay that extra 600Yuan as the forms that my parents signed only said 400 yuan. but apparently that 400 Yuan only covered the costs of the camp, not the transport. omg. i pretty much went nuts wen i heard that. like AS IF the transport isnt part of the camp! and therefore part of camp fee's. wot did they expect the parents to say to the kids "oh here, take 600 yuan, JUST IN CASE you need to pay for transport. *sigh*

the ppl who payed for shani are also the ppl that organised the camp. n they hav been getting a little anxious to b re-imbersed. so much so, that they grounded their daughter (shani's best friend) becos shani hadnt paid them back! if thats not crap parenting i dont know wot is. they said that natalie was in charge of 'spreading the word' of camp costs n she hadnt done her job properly. wot a load of CRAP. mr bowman is the youth leader. HE wrote the forms for camp therefore it was HIS responsibility to communicate the TRUE costs of camp,not a happy-polished-con-artist version of camp costs.*sigh*

either way, despite my willingness to have a go at mr bowman for being a d---head i somehow spoke my parents into not joining me. we came to the conclusion that since shani was 1 out of 3 ppl that made the same mistake (out of about 150-200 kids) that she must have somehow had a clue of the real price...now that 600 yuan is coming out of her savings. :-( i feel sorry for her. but i see logic in their decision. she is pretty upset tho. but even said herself that she's learnt her lesson. she wont be going on any more youth camps organised by mr bowman thats for sure...which sadly includes the mission trip to thailand planned for january. i can tell she's heart broken about that. but secretly mum n i both agreed it wasnt safe for her to go anyway. we dont trust mr bowman at all anymore.

i just hate disorganisation sooo much. and especially wen it involves something like a youth camp. bad organisation doesnt just stop at paper work, it continues thru to leadership,bad advice and stupid actions. i guess im thankful that this lack of organisation only lead to a 600 yuan hole in shani's savings - not a serious injury of my baby sis. this sure has shown me how organised the youth sector of my church is. something like that wud NEVER happen. everything is conducted in excellence.

just goes to show how ugly money makes things. it made me think, after going thru all of this stupidity, that i dont ever want alot of money. why wud u. it nearly ruined some friendships. id imagine its at least wounded them permenantly. money just messes up so many things, even tears families apart, as my poor tyrone knows all too well :-(

well thats my release for the day *sigh*

Captivated

happy happy joy joy

so....so happy

in the spirit of re-focusing

hillsong

what a night

me yesterday

me today!

a new season

feeling excited

caz - the butt KICKER!

a letter of love

i cant think of a title

learning new things

some ppl

cant wait to be a teacher

prac worries

dreams

feeling good again

meh

im not left behind

Living for God

my birthday

OH MY GOODNESS I AM SO BLESSED!!!!!

my daddy loves me

my current fave song

poor Jye

not loving work right now

an untimely challenge

i know i am loved

my jonny bon rocker

IN AWE

learning from courtship

changing hearts.

i miss my family :-(

blah blah

my relationship type....

desire

innocence

i came back!

CONVERSION

sincere encouragement.

oh what a feeling

memories

attraction

he supplies all my needs

my church family

goodbye

god really pulled thru

do they miss me?

fnapigaighraofjarfjr <--cudnt think of a title!

good clean fun.

there ARE nice guys

the sunshine after the storm

changes

suprising respect

turning over a new leaf

bills bills bills

hurt and confused

things that make u go 'hmmm'

stupid centrelink

not sharing

alone 08/05/2005

catch up 1 - one of 'those' girls (24/04/2005)

finally

how things change

when friends move on

blah blah

long time no blog

wow. things got beta..again!!??!!

i LOVE my country

accepting me.

the week in summary

blog from jan 13th 2005

time is running short

closure

nothing to u

on a much brighter note...

the cold shoulder

*ouch*---> yet the pain was to be expected

ouch---> yet the pain was to be expected